Anything But Gray

The kids are having a hard time adjusting to the time. They have been up until 3am every night!! Ugh!!  To be honest though, it's not just the time difference. We have a very "set" routine, for their bedtime. And right now, it's blown to hell, to say the least. So it has been chaotic, trying to take care of them.  They are having fun and doing good, but the bedtime thing has not been fun. Hopefully, things will work themselves out, soon. I think once they have their beds and are surrounded by their stuff again, it will help bigtime.

I haven't seen anyone yet, it's just been so crazy, I haven't had time. But I've been talking to everyone on the phone and that's cool. "Guess who lives here now??" has been a resounding chorus. Very cool! And Steve is going to come up today….we'll probably just hang out here, at my sister's. I'll let my kids drive him crazy….ha!

I sent a lot of you an email of the guys at Mount Rushmore. I hope you all got it! I think it's so cool that they got to see that. They are making good time and having a blast. I am really happy that Zak got to do this. Drive across the country….I think it will be an awesome transition for him and he's going to hit the ground running, here. He's very excited to start his new job and it's so nice to see him so excited. It makes me excited for him. It's a bit of a drag to be apart on Father's Day, but we'll just have to do something cool to make it up to him. 🙂 Actually, I think it's harder on Jaime than anyone else. She looks at me today and says…"You mean he's not going to be with his child for Father's Day??" Totally cracked me up. It was all I had not to laugh because she was very serious. She got to talk to him on the phone and I think that made her feel much better. Only a couple more days and he'll be here! yay!!

Okay….I must go. Gotta get some laundry started and get in the shower before Steve gets here.

2 things I could not wait for Jaime to get to experience…getting to see a real butterfly and getting an ice cream from an ice cream truck.

Today my little girl got to do BOTH things. That was very cool. The weather was fantastic. Sunny and hot with a slight breeze….

Ben slept all day and Jaime pretty much spent the day in and out of the pool. She literally collapsed in my arms, from exhuastion….that girl is gonna sleep tonight!! lol. Which is what I wish I were doing but Ben slept all day so he is up still. I have to wait him out. I took two little naps, just to keep me going. I hardly slept on the overnight flight and I am just so tired….

I talked to a lot of my "people" today and everyone is so happy we have arrived. I'm happy but it still feels surreal and really no different than when I come on vacaton. I think once Zak and Marky get here, then it will feel more real. I want my stuff!! lol   They are doing good and on the road. I think they are going to stop for the night, soon.

Plus, I'm still a bit torn up about leaving Ceci. She sounded good on the phone today, a couple of moments you could hear the tears in her throat, but we pushed through it and managed to get through all of our conversations without crying. Progress!!! I miss her.

Danielle called today and that was nice to hear her voice. I'm going to give Kim a quick call before I go to bed, I think.

I'm waiting Ben out…he slept all afternoon so he is not ready for bed. I, however, so am! lol. Even with taking two little naps today, I am still just exhausted….and on that note, I'm off…I cant' even think straight, i am so tired!!

It wasn't supposed to be hard to leave….

The one sentence that is going through my head over and over and over.
It never was supposed to be this hard to leave Alaska.

Kim came by last night and when she left, I was crying and Zak was hugging me telling me that it's okay…..
and I was like "I know, I know…it's just it'll never be the same again"
and that's what is tough. knowing that life will never be the same again.
It's a good thing….leaving here has always been what we planned and I am so excited for Zak because I think he is going to do so well "in the real world". So much of Alaska holds him back, some of it he could overcome, some of it he couldn't. But for him, professionally, I think moving is exactly what he needs right now.
And I'm excited to get back to my family and friends. I'm excited to get back to nice weather. Real radio stations. Lakes that you can actually swim in because it's warm enough. Warm summer nights…..
But even being excited about all that, doesn't make leaving the people I love here, any easier.
It's hard. Much harder than I ever imagined it would be.

I don't love easy. And I don't love a little. The people that I love here are what has made living here bearable for me. They all mean the world to me and I am going to miss them so much. 

I'm not a big fan of change. I never have been. And I have been so certain that we are making the right decision for us. But all this emotion has me totally second guessing all of this and I know I shouldn't. But it's hard not to.
Let's just say thank God our stuff is on a boat….lol.
Because it's real tempting right now to just unpack the truck and stay.
But you know….even if I did that, I wouldn't be happy here….
I just wish leaving was easier…

I cannot believe it.
I can't believe I am now less than 24 hours from going home.

It's so surreal…even now, it feels like a dream.

these last few days have been really, really difficult.
Leaving Ceci and JR is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
All year, I have known that leaving her is going to be so hard.
I didn't anticipate it being as hard on her. All the times I sat with her and cried at the injustice of having to give her up in order to get back home and she talked to me sensibly and reasonabl and calmed me down. Foolishly, it made me think that us leaving wasn't going to be as hard for her as it was for me.  Watching her these last few days I realize how wrong I was. And it's breaking my heart…

ugh…okay, done with this for awhile.
time to do something else or I'll completely fall apart.
.

everything didn't fit and so now we're having to ship some stuff…
no big deal except it's something we didn't plan on having to do.
it's more of a pain in the ass than anything, really.

and we've gotta get it down there like now….

we're doing small bbq tonight…nothing big but something so people can come by and say hi and bye.
that should be fun.

busy, busy, busy.

We're having issues.
almost 11pm and everything is so not going to fit in the truck.
The truck has to be at the ferry by 1:30am.
Zak and Marky are packing the truck, Jaime and Ben are so not asleep…as they should be….and I'm getting my last moments with my precious computer.

Kim stopped by and thankfully brought stuff for us to sleep on. Ceci helped us out, bigtime, but what she had wasn't enough and Kim picked up the slack, thank God.

I really just want this over with.

We are going to have to leave so much behind……lol.
I have waaaay too much shit.

ugh!

knows, there's always a song.

I found this a few months ago…..perfect song, perfect lyrics….perfect for the circumstances. Huh….circumstances….that word makes it sounds as if something is happening to me. As if the moving monster has boxed up our stuff himself and is forcing us to move.(pffttt…..I only wish….)
Anyway, perfect song for the situation.

Boston-Sara_Brenner

16 years ago today, Zak and I got married.
We have weathered many of storms and we have celebrated in many of happy times.
And while I am aware that part of "us" is plain and simple luck. We were lucky to find each other so young and we have been lucky with the people who have surrounded us….
But I'm not going to chalk it all up to luck.
We work at what we have. At times it's easy and at times it's hard.
We make sure we remain important to each other.  Like our date night. When Jaime was born, it was really Ceci's idea to watch Jaime one night a week, every week, so Zak and I could go out. Of course we took her up on it. And she continued to do it for years. Then last year her life just got too busy and she couldn't do it anymore, so we hired Kayla to take over. And there have been so many times we really couldn't afford it, because when you add paying a babysitter on top of going out, it gets pretty darn expensive and then you add that up to four nights a month….it's quite a bit. But instead of not going out, we just did "free" things instead of dinner or instead of a movie. We'd grab some sandwiches and go sit in the office and just chat. Or we'd just go drive around….but we always made sure we went out alone together. There is some luck in that, lucky that we had Ceci to watch the kids for so many years, lucky that Kayla was so willing to take over the job…but it was a commitment to each other, too.
A lot of people don't get our "date night". They don't understand how we can work together, be home every night together, yet still want that date night. And this is where luck does comes in…..we are still in love that yeah, we do want that date night. We love it. We look forward to it.

All in all….even thought I know we owe a lot of success in our marriage to our own determination and work.
But I still feel lucky most of the time…lucky to have him, lucky he's the awesome guy he is….
Plain and simple….I absolutely adore the man.
I'm a big believer in you can't help how you feel and I just love that I feel so in love with him.
and that is lucky, indeed….

I heard this in Sex and The City when I went and saw it with Danielle and Kim last weekend and I immediately went home and looked it up…..it's from some letters Beethoven wrote…..(you can look it up….just google Immortal Beloved letters by Beethoven.)

Be calm,
only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our
purpose
to live together – Be calm – love me – today – yesterday – what tearful
longings for you – you – you – my life – my all – farewell. Oh continue
to love me – never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Love it.

Wedding pic dance edited copy

Happy Anniversary, baby.
16 years and you still look at me this way…and it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Thank you for being so wonderful, thank you for being you.
Thank you for us.

I love you.
wife
xoxo

Super busy and so stressed….
I just want this moving thing OVER WITH.

And honestly, having so much to write, but not knowing where to start.

I skipped the love/loathe thing this week….

I have never felt such a bittersweet feeling in all my life.
To be getting to go back home and go back to what I've been missing for all these years…..but the overwhelming sadness I feel in leaving here. I should say, leaving the people. It's tough and it's starting to show….
Some people have a real funny way of reacting to us leaving Juneau and it's starting to take it's toll on Zak. It's hard to explain, but let me put it this way…..if he could've left yesterday….he'd be gone. He's done.

Honestly, I'll just be glad when this stupid move is over and done with.
We want to go….we are thrilled to be going….getting out of Juneau has always been the plan..…we are excited to get there and begin our lives in "the real world"…..Zak is excited to be feel "free" at work…..it's just all good…

we want to go, we can't wait to go….it's just the leaving that sucks.

My stepbrother graduated last night and I am SOOOO proud of him!!!

Eddie graduation