Anything But Gray

When Zak, me and the kids came here on vacation in March, Zak and I went around to the different elementary schools to figure out which school we wanted the kids to go to. We wound up falling in love with this one school… we do not live in the district that that school is in. And the school district we are in, is okay…but it's very "urban" and the other school is much more hmm….cozy? homey? I don't know how to describe it, really…it's just the most like Auke Bay of all the schools we saw.  Now, in order to get into this school, we have to apply for a variance, asking that they allow the kids to go to a different school than the one in their district. I went to the school today, to get the kids all registered and to apply for this variance. The kindergarten is full, so now I REALLY have to hope we get this variance or the kids will wind up being separated, which I don't think the school would do. At least I hope not.

The people there were so nice and helpful at the school. And let me tell you, it was so weird registering them. Just getting them all ready to go to school here makes it all feel very, very real. I actually cannot wait for them to start school, especially the boy. I cannot wait to see how he does. I should start taking a poll. The majority of my family and friends think he will be fine. I have my doubts. ha! Honestly, I think he will do great and this is exactly what he needs. But we'll see. It's only part time, but that's okay….hopefully I'll meet some other mom's and maybe we can swap days or something, with babysitting….that'd be cool.

I think I'm mostly excited just to feel like we are "back to life" again. Everything still feels a bit chaotic and we haven't gotten a good "system" down yet….we're still winging it a lot of days and I'll just be so happy when life gets back to feeling like life…

And I have to mention…..it's Kirk's birthday today!
Kirk's 40TH <gasp> birthday today!
Oh my!!!! (for the record….he's still pretty hot….ha!)
It honestly blows my mind when I think of how long I have known him and been friends with him.
19 years, this September.
Wow….I've known him for longer than I haven't known him, in my lifetime.
Isn't that weird??
Anyway…Happy, Happy Birthday Kirk….hope it's a good one!

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About…let's see…..6 or 7 years ago..my friend Kim started "Princess Jonana Day".
I was going over to her house and she had Travis over (our nephew, Tina's son).
Kim says I saved them….so I must've been coming over to help out with something, I honestly don't remember.
What I do remember is getting there and Kim and Travis had made me a tiara and wand, out of paper…it had glitter and everything! And Kim had also given me a very cool coffee mug. (That I still have to this day….don't even get me talking about my coffee mug collection…that'll stir up some serious tear jerker memories for me…!!!)
She announced it was "Princess Jonana Day" every July 22nd, for the rest of my life. 🙂
Her whole family has gotten in on it and Tina celebrates it too.

My favorite thing she has ever given me for Princess Jonana Day, is she had all the kids say I love you, in sign language. Tina did it with her kids (Emerald and Travis) and Kim did with her two (at the time…she's up to FOUR now!) Brandon and Daniel and they took a picture of each kid signing each word. "I", then an individual picture of each kid signing "I" and so on…..it means so, so much to me. I had it hanging up beside my bed up in Alaska and I think here I'm going to put it in my little studio. It makes my heart happy…

I LOVE Princess Jonana Day. I love that they love me. I love that I am part of their family.
I feel spoiled and lucky and so very, very blessed.
They have no clue that what started as a silly, fun thing to do one day for me has turned into a day that means so much to me. It reminds me how wonderful it is to have friends that are like family. It reminds me to be grateful for the relationships I have and it reminds that…yeah, I'm a good person, I'm a good friend and I deserve a Princess Jonana Day! ha! But seirously, it's so hard sometimes to look in the mirror and convince yourself how awesome you are. Princess Jonana Day reminds that I can't be perfect for everyone in the world, but I am perfect for the people that love me.

I love it.

Thank you Kim and Tina for being such incredible friends….I miss you both so much.
Love you!

P.S. Kim's nickname for me is Jonana….that's why it's Jonana instead of Joanna! lol.

Yet again, I believed in him.
Yet again, I am crushed.

My brother has decided, again, that him and Ann are going to try to work it out.

I am beyond angry with him and I am beyond heartbroken.
The way we found out he had decided to leave was wrong.
He was deceitful, inconsiderate, thoughtless and rude.

There is so much more to the story, that I just don't have the energy to post about, but that is the upshot of it.
We informed him if he is going to do it, then he can get out now and go do it.
Don't sit around using us for months…leaving everyone hanging wondering when he's going to get off his ass and do something.

I'm so sick of him.
I have had it. Just friggin' HAD IT.
Thousands of hard earned bartering dollars went into his teeth.
Thousands of actual dollars have been spent taking care of him.

And he contributes when he feels like it…he helps when the mood strikes.

I'm just done.
He says he is going to change…..that yesterday was the slap in the face he needed….but yeah, go ahead everyone…hold your breath. Have we NOT all heard this crap before?

He has broken my heart for the very last time.
You will note that every picture of him has been removed from my blog.
I have blocked his email address and I have deleted him from my myspace.
I will be going through all of my pictures and getting rid of the ones with him in it.

I never want to speak to him or see his face again.
He will never get an opportunity to break my heart or use me, again.

So much for us all being back here together and happy, huh?

I am the biggest fool on the planet for believing the garbage that spews out of his selfish friggin' mouth.

Fool am I.
Total fool.

Never again.

Yay!!

Zachary passed his test….very, VERY cool.
(With flying colors too, I might add….I was worried about the state portion, the laws….and he did fine. )

His back is still bad, but he can tell it's getting better….AWESOME!!

Busy day for me today…..laundry, dishes,  phone calls, bills…blah, blah, blah…..

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update…

I am so relieved that's over with!

Sooo…
because I have such fantastic family….I got to go to the Bon Jovi concert in Boston last night and had KICK ASS seats. I went with Shelly, who has not been to a Bon Jovi concert since her and I went in 1989! It was SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!! Not the best show I've ever seen them put on, but good, nonetheless. It was so weird to be there with Shelly…..just like the old days when we would go to concerts all the time. He played a lot of songs I love!! Here's a little clip…..he changes his shirt to a Celtics shirt pretty quick into the video and toward the end he kisses a girl….very cool! lol.

Now the bad news….
Zak hurt his back really, really bad. The guy can barely move. I feel so terrible for him and completely helpless. The timing of this could not be worse.….He is supposed to take his test for his license today and we were supposed to maybe go to New York to meet J this weekend…the weekend in NY was already on shaky ground because of just moving and money and I think her weekends have been chaotic because she's having her basement done, so I wasn't really convinced I was going to get to go to NY…but it's his test that has me freaked out. We need him to get his license, like, YESTERDAY. He has to get his license. And not to mention we don't exactly have a boatload of money to throw around if he doesn't pass and has to retake the test. It ain't a cheap test to take…

Someone told me yesterday that I can't change it so why be stressed about it. And for some reason, that really got me thinking.  I wish I had what it took, to do that. I wish I could think of the test and his back and say screw it..can't change it, why be worried? It sounds easy, right? And it got me thinking that maybe I complain too much, maybe I bitch too much, maybe I'm not grateful enough and….maybe I ask for too much. It just was one of those comments that make you soul search. I don't have any answers….obviously…..but it's something I'm going to watch out for. I hate seeming….trivial….like a whiner….and ungrateful.

I'm just so utterly frustrated and worried and scared for him and I don't know how to turn off my stress and not worry about it. I just don't know how….

He feels better this morning which is awesome, but yesterday he felt terrible and didn't do any studying at all…
So keep your fingers crossed for him!!!!

I cannot believe how long it's been since I've been on here!
Life has just been INSANE since we've arrived.

All is well and we are settling in, nicely.
It has been hot as hell for the last couple of days and we are just not used to this kind of heat so we are desperately trying to cool our apartment down and we think we finally have it bearable….

I have seen most of my "peeps" and done the "welcome back" thing, which has been very cool. I haven't seen everyone yet and the people I have seen, I haven't seen enough of, but it's just but been crazy busy trying to settle in and getting Zak settled into his office that there just simply hasn't been time to go run around and visit.

I went down to Fitchburg a couple of nights in a row and that was fun because a lot of people were out so I got to see a few people that I haven't seen in YEARS AND YEARS and that was really cool. One the people that I hadn't seen in years that was out was Bob. Back in the day, when everyone was always out, there were "groups" of people that hung out together. You had your CB'ers, the lifted truck group, the ford/mustang group, the kids from New Hampshire who would drive down to hang out….and every group had their specific spots along the main drag (John Fitch Highway) that they hung out at. Shelly and I first met when we were both part of the "CB group" and we both dated people from the "lifted truck" group and then we wound up and settled into the "ford/mustang" group and that is kind of where we stayed. Bob was part of "our" group and a cb'er. And he was someone that came to me and Zak's wedding and I hadn't seen him in years, so it was really, really cool to see him. And it was a blast to hang out and just reminisce about "the old days…" I so love doing that….:-) It really made me feel "home".

Zak and I have done a couple of work functions and that is good, to get to know people at his office and stuff. The guy that recruited Zak for Re/Max and his wife are super cool people and last night we went to a minor league baseball game with them and aside from the sweat pouring off of me, making me look like a glistening pig, it was fun. And I found out that the man that owns Re/Max here has BOX SEATS for Patriots games….ooooooh!!!!! ha! Not likely that we'll get invited to a game, but I was like "Okay, who do you have to sleep with to get into those seats?" Everyone laughed and thought it was funny but they have no clue I'm dead serious. ha!!! Okay…not really. But I'm excited about those seats because even just knowing someone that has box seats puts the possibility of me getting to go, in reach…albeit very, very far away reach….but still.

ANYWAY….the kids are adjusting well. And they are loving the hot and sunny days and that makes me happy. I feel bad for Ben, the poor kid has no one to really play with yet. Gabby and Jaime are constantly playing together and Ben keeps getting left out, which sucks. I need to get the poor kid involved in some stuff.

A lot of people haven't seen my hair yet and of the people that have, the majority are like "Wow…it's nice but it's just not you."  I agree. Some people like it and I myself, don't hate it…but I keep thinking the same thing when I go by a mirror…wow, it's just not me. LOL So I'm glad I did it, especially with this friggin' heat, but I pretty sure I'm gonna let it grow back out. But here is a pic of it….this me with Danielle and Kim, during our last "time" together in Juneau. I love this picture, it came out blurry so I had to do some photoshopping, but I love it. At the last minute Danielle snuggled up close to me and in the picture Kim seems too far away…it cracks me up because every time I look at it, it's like I want to reach into the picture and pull Kim closer. And that's my favorite thing about pictures….the ones that make you "feel" something!

The girls my backyard june 2008 (9) copy

The guys got here yesterday, yay!!

They are unpacking the truck right now…AWESOME!!!

We watched the Celtics game last night and man, that was so cool.

Me, my brother, my sister, our spouses….all together, watching our hometown team.  It just felt good. It was an awesome night. Especially the "quicky" Zak and I managed to fit in during the game. God, I missed him…..ha!!

We can't sleep there yet because the electricity isn't turned on until tomorrow, but we can get things unpacked and start setting up….I'm excited!!! I cannot wait to be settled and to start just living life again. I feel everything has been in upheaval for months….it'll be nice to really feel like I'm home.

Anyone remember this song?

J and I were instant messaging today and she commented this song was on. And I told her it reminded me of her. She was relieved to know it wasn't because of the words….ha!

This song reminds me of her because it reminds me of Florida. When Zak and I were living in Florida is when this song came out and that is also when J and I "met" online. It's one of those songs that remind me of someone, not so much because of the words, but becasue of the time period when it came out.

Now the words….or at least the title….reminds me of Ceci. Sophia Hawkins has a song called "As I lay me down" and there is a line in it that goes "I run to meet you  barefoot–barely breathing" and both of us ooohed and aahhed over that line. So wish we wrote it. This song is meaningful to her not just because of that lyric but because, if I am remembering correctly (and I am sure I am…), it reminds her of her dad. After talking to J, I got a bit weepy, missing Ceci and later I went and found that Sophie B. Hawkins song…. 

There will be many more of these songs, to come. I find comfort in music….whenever something big happens in my life, the songs find me and they comfort me and they make me feel whatever I need them to….they connect me to the people I love in a way nothing else does. They are my love letters….my history….my story….my shout out to my "people"….and for those few minutes….when I am listening…..I feel, physically feel, my love for whoever the song reminds me of. For me, it's the purest, deepst, and most honest my love is. And this Sophie B. Hawkins song, today…connected me to Ceci…

So Ceci….although this song already means a lot to you and I hope I don't intrude on a special song for you, but as I listened to this today….every word made me think of you.

 It felt like springtime on this February morning
In the courtyard birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright
I carried them with me today, Now

(chorus) As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy hearted
Till you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot barely breathing

(repeat chorus)

It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again

Steve came up to see me and that was so nice. He drove me to get a coffee and then just hung out at the house for awhile. Loved it!

Got to watch the Celtics game….here….in New England….whoa….very weird feeling. I know most people don't "get" this, but sports is a huge community bonding thing. And to be here, at home and watching the Celtics in a Championship game again….it just felt very surreal. It made me feel very "home" and it was cool. Even though we lost….I'm actually okay with that. Now Zak and Marky will be here for Game 6 and it's in Boston. THAT will be awesome and I can't wait!

The boys are doing well. They got detoured in Iowa because of the floods and I'll be happy when they are just completely out of that state.

Ben is up. 1 am. And he's up. <sigh> I cannot wait to get him all settled in.                                                        These late nights are going to kill me…lol.  Plus, I have to get up early tomorrow so I can get Jaime registered for school…..this kid needs to just GO TO BED. lol