Anything But Gray

When you look around at the people you know…how many of their lives are effected by other people's choices?
Decisions, be it good ones or bad ones, that other people make.
That they have no control over.

How do you stop that and control your own destiny? Truly control your own destiny…
Do you just be alone? Live your life in a little one room shack and not care about anyone?
Because that's the problem.
These people you know, they are effected by decisions that people they love make.
And from the outside looking in, you can lecture and lecture and stand on your soapbox and proclaim.
You're destiny is what you make it.

Well, I'm here to tell you folks.
That's bullshit.
And it's not as easy as that, it's simply not as black and white as that.

We are all effected by choices the people we love make.
and the only way to have true control over every aspect of your life is to not love anyone.
To put yourself in a position where no one's choices effect your life in any way.
It sounds like a lonely, meaningless life.
But at least you are in control and when bad things happen. When life gets feeling like it's just too much,
you'd have no one to blame but yourself.

I guess to what extent these people effect you, could be controlled.
But not if you love with all your heart and soul….
Not if you love with all your heart and soul.

And it's not all bad. People make good choices too that effect your life and bring about good, wonderful things…

It's just funny sometimes how destiny is regarded and then you really sit and think about it and it's all intermingled.
No one's destiny is truly just theirs. Is it?
Maybe the real question isn't about making your own destiny but more about how you deal with the destiny that is before you.

See?
Tricky.

I stole this from J's blog.
It's hysterical!!

Wow..what has this world come to.

I can't believe this is for real!

Maybe people should get laptops, then they could do both at the same time???

Just a thought….

This is the part of real estate that really, really sucks.

Zak had a deal going that would given us a very nice paycheck.
It's looking like it's not going to happen after all.

There are steps to every real estate transaction and only at certain points in the transaction do I start counting on the check and add it to our finances and budget accordingly.  We were already past that point in this transaction, so now I have to go and rework the finances. First of all it stinks to have a deal fall apart. Secondly, maybe I don't feel like reworking my stupid finances. you know? Oh well, it comes with the job and not the end of the world. I just wanted to whine, I guess.

On a brighter note, they announced the dividend amount today. I love the day they announce the dividend amount. The newspaper always speculates, once the permanent fund releases the oil revenue totals at years end, and this year they had speculated that it would be about $1500. Turns out it's a little bit more. Very cool!

Danielle started a new position at her job this week and I haven't heard from her. She was a little apprehensive about this position but was going into it with a good attitude. But I'm a little nervous that I haven't heard from her….lol.

I emailed Janice and I think Lindsay is going to come over for a playdate on Friday. That should be fun. I think we might do a sleep over thing, too. We'll see.

Lisa gave me a very cool compliment about my blog today. That just made my day. 🙂
Thank you Lisa!!! Yours is awesome too! It is hard to be funny in writing and you do it really well! Your updates make me laugh out loud. Keep it up, I love it!!

Ceci and JR get back tomorrow night. FINALLY.
Man, I missed that woman….when she's gone it's like I'm missing a limb or something.
I hate it. Seriously.

Alright, Zak is on the couch waiting for me so we can watch a movie.

gotta run!

I don't even know where to begin.
This has been a crazy week that has run the full spectrum of emotions.
From sad to mad to glad and then back again.

Zak and I had a huge fight. Huge.
The kind that leaves me wondering why I stay in this hellhole and really, in the end, if I manage to get out of here alive, will it be worth it? It will be, of course….but still, it was the kind of fight that drains the life out of you and makes you want to just run away. It was my fault. He was helping me with my class and I was being a bitch about it. He would tell me something and I'd look at him like he was wrong or crazy or stupid. I honestly did not mean to be bitchy to him, which is even worse because if that's me not trying to be bitchy, than Lord Almighty would he HATE to see what me trying to be bitchy looks like. (so says him…) Anyway, it wound up a knock down drag out stupid fight….he felt I should be bowing down at his feet thanking him for helping me or at the very least not being bitchy to him while he was helping me and he wanted me to say the words "I am sorry for being a bitch, thank you so much for helping me with this." He gets like that where he has to hear the apology or he won't quit. My position was I didn't realize I was being bitchy and I didn't mean to be and that me having my license is for both of us, so yeah..maybe I wasn't being as thankful as I could've been and once you try to force me to say sorry…forget it. It's not going to happen. Which I'm not saying is right, but it's me.
And the whole thing just really bothered me. Even though I was in the wrong. I was stressed..majorly stressed out trying to get this stupid class done and then I waste a day fighting with him instead of doing the class. Why call me on my bullshit right then and why fight to the death for the words "I'm sorry"?  Was it that important? Just that kind of feeling. I couldn't imagine doing that to him. If he was studying for a test and I was helping him and he was being a dick toward me, I couldn't fathom calling him on it and fighting with him. I certainly would say something later, but in the thick of it? No way….no way would I do it. And it just bothered me that he would do it to me. That he wouldn't cut me some slack, have some extra patience and just flip me shit. Like say something in a joking way…so that it lets me know I'm getting bitchy but doesn't start a fight. We're both pretty good at doing that. But for some reason he didn't want to do that.
Later he comes to me, essentially saying he doesn't want to fight, it's not that important, let's just end this. He says "I don't want to die on this hill." It's not a life or death issue.
I think to myself, no you don't want to die on this hill, but you'll kill me on it.
It was just that kind of feeling that totally drained me…

My sister and brother are both going through some stuff that made me sad. Sad that I'm not in a position to help either one of them. I always hate that helpless feeling. Things wound up looking up for both of them by the end of the week, so that is good news.

A lot of good things are happening at work, which is nice. I like going into the winter busy. It's a very good thing.

My friend Kim's birthday was Saturday and Danielle made lunch and we all ate at her house. Jaime had a birthday party to go to. Lindsay was invited also so I asked Janice if Jaime could tag along with them and she so kindly said yes. Which was awesome because Jaime's birthday party was right when we had our lunch planned, so it would've really messed up my plans if I had to take her to it, so Janice taking her was a HUGE help. The downer of it all was I was sick. Really sick. Every inch of me hurt. It hurt to sit, it hurt to walk….I just hurt. That is not fun. But I didn't want to not see Kim on her birthday and I figured once I got up and about I'd feel better. I so didn't feel better, but I was very happy I got to see Kim on her birthday and happy to spend time with her and Danielle, so it was a worth it kind of hurt. 🙂

One of my oldest, most dearest friends is having a problem that has been on my mind. This is one of my friends that I keep in touch with very barely, we mostly just give each other a hard time via email, but I know if I needed anything he would be there for me in a second and the feeling is mutual. I would do anything for him.  I spoke to him a few times this week, just listening, offering some advice and hopefully just cheering him up a little bit.

It's a long saga that I won't bore my non football fan readers with, but the Patriots won tonight. It was important, VERY important to win this game tonight, for a couple of different reasons. (save the cheater jokes…no matter what you come up with, you're not original. I can assure you, I've heard it already.)
So that's awesome. SUPER AWESOME. Nice way to end the weekend.

Things should be a lot less hectic this week, so hopefully I'll be a better blogger. 🙂
That way when I do write it won't be a novel, too.

Tah, for now!

I. HATE. THIS. STUPID. CLASS.

perhaps by THURSDAY I'll have a moment to blog.

Or just maybe by then I might have thrown myself off of the state office building and just be done with it.
Think I could fly with my stupid license?
Nooooo……I think not.

UGH!!!
I hate POST education.
I hate CONTINUING education.
Any education other than a "New cocktails for you and your partner" or "New positions for you and your partner"  or even a "How to make your almost 4 year old son quit CRYING all the time" class, I HATE.

And Ceci & JR are GONE, so I don't even have her to bitch too. And Zak is so sick of listening to me.
I don't blame him, I'm making him help me and I'm still complaining about how much
I HATE THIS STUPID CLASS.

I seriously am about 5 seconds away from throwing my stupid self to the floor in the BIGGEST fit you have EVER seen. I could so blow Ben out of the water, if I really wanted to. I just know it.

I really hate that friggin' class.
I'll be so happy when it's DONE.

3 more days.
only 3 more days.
Pray for me.

🙂

Tonight was the first game of the football season.
Zak and I were both excited and we planned on going up to the bar to watch the game for date night. We were both a little bit bummed though because we always, always watch football with Marky and there's no Marky here anymore. So there was a teeny bit of missing Marky going on, but we were still excited.

Anyway, the game started before we left for date night so we put the t.v. on to start watching it before Kayla got here and we could leave. The kids were sitting at the table eating their "date night" dinner (McDonald's…it's their treat for date night.) And Ben is standing up in his chair, (typical…) and watching the t.v.
He then all of a sudden says "Uncle Marky's not here?"

Both Zak and I look at each other, completely amazed and broken hearted all at once. I actually teared up a little  bit. We were broken hearted because yeah, Uncle Marky isn't here for football anymore and we're bummed about that and we miss him. And we were amazed because we just never would've thought Ben would put the two things together. We hadn't said anything in front of the kids about Marky not being here for football. And it's not like Uncle Marky only came over during football, he came over all the time. But Ben apparently is way more aware than we have thought and it just totally blew our minds.
And it was just adorable.

We love you bro and miss you tons!!
FYI…you didn't miss much tonight, the game wasn't all that exciting…

Man…this man makes me feel like a star struck teenager….
I am 35 years old and when I watch this man sing my heart pounds.
It's so not normal. And I don't care. I love watching him sing. I love hearing him sing, I so love his words….

This is the new video for the song Lost Highway from the album.
Not a great video, but not a bad one either. Pretty typical Bon Jovi.
But Richie looks like his old self, which is awesome to see and there are a
couple of spots in this video that give me goosebumps…I just love
when he's feeling his songs and you can tell.
Love it!

Enjoy!

Hahahaha!
I so crack me up.

Okay, okay…Ryan, the FBI guys' name is RYAN and I'll start calling him that…(maybe.)

We went out with Ryan and Janice last night.
We went out to one of the bars and we had such a good time!
Yay for me, I didn't wake up this morning, thinking…"oh fuck…I shouldn't have said that." Which tends to happen to me once in awhile when I drink. I was seriously worried I'd say something stupid….but I think I did okay. lol

It is hard when you are an adult to find new friends. It really is. Especially once you get busy with kids and stuff. It becomes difficult to create new relationships with people. Well, new good relationships. You wind up meeting a lot more people when your kids get in school and you wind up with a ton of acquaintances but to get an actual friendship rolling is hard. Hard to find time to fit it in and honestly…it's hard to put yourself out there and be like…"yeah, I like you..do you want to be my friend?" I mean, sometimes I just want to go back to grade school and hand someone a note.
Do you want to be my friend? Circle yes or no.
YES             NO.

See? That would be SO much easier.

But since life is not like grade school, you have to put yourself out there sometimes and get to know people.
We really, really enjoy Janice and Ryan and we had been looking forward to spending sometime with them, with no kids..just us adults. They are one of the first couples that we have met in literally years that we feel like we could be real friends with. They are just so down to earth and cool. They remind us of us, a lot. They are laid back, funny, and Janice will make a lot of the same sarcastic "husband" remarks that I make. It cracks me up. I love it.
I'm so happy we went out last night and even more happy that we are getting to know them better.

night! (morning for most….)

I'm a writer. Always have been.
I've kept diaries and journals all my life.
And I used to write song lyrics.
They are all very, very rough in their format, they sound more like poems, but the intent is to be lyrics.
Which might've worked out great if I knew how to play a friggin' instrument.
I have a book and a half of these lyrics.
I haven't wrote in years. Years and years. I'm too lazy to go look for the date, but I'm pretty sure the last thing I wrote was in 1999. Okay..this will drive me nuts, I have to go look.
Back.
I was right. May 1st, 1999 was the last time I wrote a lyric.
I kind of got out of writing because that's right when we moved and I no longer had anywhere private to write. And I have to have my privacy to write. Writing is a mindset, it's a mood and unfortunately for me, if I'm writing and in that mindset and someone even so much as walks in the room, that's it…I'm done. Mood is gone. So nowhere private to write kind of did me in and then the kids came and that REALLY did me in. lol.

I have a thousand "starts" and ideas that I keep for when I do get back to writing.
And today, I finished one.
I can't believe it.
I'm psyched and it's making me want to write and write and write!

I've always wrote for me. It helps me sort things out and pen to paper is hugely theraputic for me.
But when I got into writing lyrics I started to be able to write in a hypothetical kind of way. A lot of my lyrics are my reality, me trying to purge my emotions but more and more I started to be able to write from the outside looking in, rather than from the inside out. Very cool.
I'd be feeling something and I'd jot a little paragraph or line, down. Well I'd go back to it later and not be "feeling" that anymore, but I'd be able to go ahead and finish it out. Which I loved that I was becoming better and better at doing that. I liked being able to call upon my imagination and not just use my reality. It was cool. Anyway…this is one of those times.
FYI….there's an F bomb. 🙂

New Crown
 
One simple sentence
six little words
changed everything
about our world
Regret got a grip
and kept us in line
still I thought the longing
kept on in your mind
But one simple sentence
with too many words
dragged all my daydreams
down to the dirt

Fuck your resistance and indifferent tone
You opened that door but then slammed it closed
Why even peek in if you weren't there to stay?
Why tempt me like that just to shove me away?
Why destroy the innocence in an innocent girl?
And not give her a new crown to wear in your world.

I wasn't looking for
the man you were that night
but I didn't resist
cause it felt so right
I just wanted to be
a safe place for you
and selfishly I wanted
to feel all of you
We kept your weakness a secret
and we never went back
Till I asked the question
I now wish I never had

and stupid me believed I was a star in your mind
a desire resisted for all of this time
words left unspoken but they were all I heard
But now I know there won't be a new crown for this girl
***************************************************************************

tah-dah!
It feels a little weird, posting this. lol
I have people in my life now that I don't think even know I used to write lyrics much less have ever read one of mine.
So I feel a little "naked". lol
But I'm so, so psyched!
And J is going to be THRILLED for me.

Enjoy!
Yay to me!!!
ha!!