Anything But Gray

Which I think is very fitting, given it's Halloween time and my absolute least favorite holiday. In fact, I loathe Halloween and the absolute only reason I give it any notice whatsoever is because of my kids. I'm just not a costume person and I'm not even that into candy….lol.

Anyway…
It has been many years since I have been broadsided as badly as I was these past few weeks.
It was the cumulation of so many things. Big things, not just I broke a nail crap….but big issues. Some private, some not…but each time I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, it did.
Then add on top of that, I was so sick that I was sleeping sitting up because I couldn't breath when I tried to lay down, both the kids got sick, to the point that I had to take Jaime to the doctor (which if you know me, you know this is big. I do not run my kids into the doctor's for every little sniffle…in fact, outside of yearly checkups, this is only her 2nd trip to the doctor and she's 6 years old.)
We are all better now and most of the problems that happened are fixed or getting better. Or I'm just in a better place and ready to take them on.

In a nutshell, that's what happened. I just got to a place where I just couldn't deal with anything or anyone.
As has most everyone on the planet, be it sexually, emotionally, socially or financially (whatever the issue may be) I have hit rock bottom many, many times in my life. And each time, I stick my chin up and fight the good fight. I search and search and find the "reason" in whatever problem has risen it's head in my life. Every once in awhile I get weary of fighting. I get so sick to death of hitting rock bottom and then fighting my way to the top again. This time I figured I was just gonna plant my ass on that rock at the bottom. And just stay there. Why fight to the top just wind up back down there again?  I couldn't fight my way back. I just simply didn't have it in me. I can only live that way so long though and the fighter in me rises to the occasion. It just took me a lot longer than it typically does and I kind of ignored most everyone in the meantime, which is very unlike me. I am definitely a talker…I can talk and talk about my problems until I'm blue in the face and everyone is sick of the sound of my voice. But this time was different, I was in such a bad place.  I am so lucky and blessed with my friends and family that I knew they would offer help, solutions or words of encouragement and I was in a very angry, cynical, defiant and defeated place. I knew anything they had to offer would be shot down and greeted with sarcasm and disbelief. They don't deserve that. No one that is just trying to help, does. And it took all I had to be a decent human being to the people I had to (my kids, teachers, parents, clients…etc.) that I just didn't have any extra to spare…not a bit.

This is just an explanation of sorts.
And letting everyone know that everything is good.
And I'm baaaaack. lol.

I have a lot of reading to do tomorrow! I haven't even looked at J's blog, which I read religiously and love, and all my emails to go through and just tons and tons of catching up….
Tomorrow….
I actually can't wait!

Kayla is a photo editing freak. And she's really, really good at it.
She took this picture of Jaime on date night and then played with it.

Jaime from Kayla

Isn't that awesome?

I love it.
Kayla rocks…

When I finally knew that you were
forever

I drew a huge sigh of relief

Laid in your arms feeling safety
at last

knowing that you'd never leave

The efforts you made to make me
turn around

the promises, oh how they came

I ran to you hopeful with my
broken heart

that you'd never treat me the
same

 
You held me so close while you
swore I had seen

all of the pain that I'd know

You'd love me like heaven while
letting me shine

as you'd never let me go

Like an innocent child I let go
of the edge

knowing you won't let me drown

You threw me up into the air
while you swore

you'd never let me down

 
Well maybe you tired as I weighed
you down

by not having learned how to swim

When you just got out I tried so
hard to breath

but I sank as the pain flooded in

 
"I'm drowning" I cried but you just
walked away

wishing I wouldn't for long

You couldn't look at the pain you
had caused as

I stared until you were gone

Somehow I found my way back to
the edge

kicking and gasping for air

Thinking that maybe you're
waiting for me

and wonderin' when I'll get there

But no one was waiting, what a
fool am I

though I found the edge by myself

in the time that it took me to
get there I know

I'm once again somebody else

I'm much wiser now than I've been
in the past

doubtful and yes, insecure

Stiffened and cynical, strong,
weak and scared

violently calm and unsure

I sit in amazement to what I can
take

How much I've gained having lost

What will you lose and when will
it contribute

to all of the pain this has
caused

Like an innocent child I sit on
the edge with

my arms folded under my frown

Still even you could convince me
to jump but

I know even you'll let me drown

With you having been so
believable then

and me having been so naive

How can I think that I'll ever be
safe

if a love like yours can just
leave

–Cecilia Knutson

Cool quote

I am neglecting almost all of you….
I am sorry.

This quote isn't meant to make anyone feel like crap, it's more of a disclaimer…
I am honestly not trying to shut people out, so I nope no one is taking my utter neglect as such.
But I'm just not really up for "reaching out" either…

Apparently I seem to be unable to put into words to make people understand what's up with me.
It's bigger than I can put into words and it's bigger than what I've been able to describe and it's more than what I've talked about. It's not the end of the world….but it's not quite as trivial as people seem to think it is…

But it is unexplainable. This will come as a shock to everyone who knows me, but believe it or not there are some things I keep private. There are some things I don't tell. Well…unfortunately for me, a big part of my funk is stemming from issues that I don't talk to anyone about.

So yeah…of course people aren't getting it.
Pretty hard to get when I can't tell….

I was flipping through Ceci's book and I came across a poem and a part of it is just perfect.
Just perfect.

I wish I could write like her.
if only….

.

I'm going to be taking a break from my blog for bit.
There are big things going on in our lives right now, nothing catastrophic, but I need some time to readjust my mind.
My state of mind is becoming completely reckless and I am finding myself frantically searching for some kind, any kind, of distraction. I have felt this way before and I know from past experience that this is not a good combination for me. It is like I am a freight train barreling down the tracks and only a completely irresponsible and out of character action of some sort will stop it. I need to get this worked out in myself before I make any stupid mistakes.
I am feeling so unsettled, restless, trapped and I have some soul searching to do.
There are a lot of why's I am trying to figure out. I need to find answers for myself, to set my soul at ease and calm this frenzy that is slowly building up to a crescendo..

I am okay, really. It's not like I am in a depression or anything like that, everything really is okay and I'm going to be fine, but the time spent on this blog, I need to be spending on myself and figuring things out. I'm going to try to write this one out so instead of coming on my blog, I'll head to my music and my journals…the answers will come.

Here's a pic from Ben's birthday….it went really well. 🙂

Ben bday 2007 (63)

Don't mind my huge friggin' hips. I think the camera added 20 friggin' pounds and then I decided to lean in such a way that highlights those 20 pounds!! ugh! lol.

Tah, for now.

My handsome little pain in my butt is FOUR today!!!
I can't believe it and I'm so excited.
We're having his party down at Bullwinkle's and he's very excited.
I think most of the people invited are going to be there, too. That is super cool.
A couple kids from his daycare are going, Joey & Danielle, the Butlers, and Jakin and Elizabeth, hopefully. Maura (Jakin & Elizabeth's mom) stopped by to give me a thank you card and I was like Hey! Come to Ben's party. So we'll see. I'm glad she stopped by cause it hadn't occurred to me to invite them. They are more Jaime's friends than Ben's, but Ben really likes them and he never gets to see them when they have a play date because it's Jaime going to her house, so this will be cool and I hope she can make it.
Fingers crossed everyone makes it!! We got him a spider man cake and I think it's going to be cool.
We'll take TONS of pics….:-)

Ceci PASSED her test. Ceci is officially an EA agent. She is doing exactly what she said she would…figure out what she really wants to do and do it once the kids are grown! And she did it! This is the first step and the HARDEST step, by far!!  It is such an exciting thing and she is so amazing! She worked so hard for this and I am so, so happy she did it!! Go Ceci!!!!!

Time to start the crazy day!!

Happy, Happy Birthday Ben!!
xoxoxo

Ceci is out of town. Again.
I haven't talked much about Ceci lately because she has been essentially MIA for 3, almost 4 months. She has been studying to take her EA exam. EA means Enrolled Agent and it's an exam for taxes, to be able to do taxes for people.(that's a very basic description) Well her and JR went to Texas to visit Barbara, Frank & Isabel and Ceci took her exam there. It's divided into 3 tests and she passed 2 of them, which is friggin' awesome! But she still has to pass that 3rd one to become an Enrolled Agent. So she left tonight for Seattle and she'll take the exam tomorrow at noon. We are really, really praying she passes. She missed it by ONE question when she took it in Texas. One stupid question. How insane is that??
She takes the test at noon on Wednesday and she's scheduled to come home Thursday night at like 10pm. Which would mean she would completely miss Ben's birthday. BUT..she's going to try to get home sooner. She's going to try to get a noon flight out of Seattle to be back for Ben's birthday. I am REALLY happy about that. This could conceivably be the last birthday she gets to spend with him for years, so I really wanted her to be here and when she first made the plans, I was so heartbroken. She had to use this ticket by the 28th or she would've lost it, so I understood why she had to go and I obviously didn't dump my crap on her, but boy…I was bummed.
I was so, so happy when she told me she was going to try to get back for his birthday. As of today there are 21 seats available on the flight she wants to take out of Seattle in order to get back in time for Ben's birthday, so it looks good.
I just hope that she PASSES and flies back here ELATED!! She has worked so, so hard for this and I so want her to pass. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't, but it'll be a bummer for her and I'll feel so bad for her, just because she's worked so very hard and literally has put her life on hold for almost 4 months so she could do this…
So, maybe if you're the praying kind, send a little prayer of encouragement up for Ceci. 🙂
Thanks!!

Today is Seany's birthday. I miss him and I was thinking of him all day.
Happy, Happy Birthday Seany!!
I love you!!

If I could sing…this is what I would want to sound like.
This woman is amazing and she just oozes soul.

I love when I can feel the music on my skin…
This song so gives me goosebumps and makes me think of Zak.

Cannot wait for this album!
Here's the lyrics.

I think I have pretty good intuition.
Nothing particularly out of the ordinary or anything spectacular but I have "gut" feelings.
I'm pretty sure we all have them.

For the last few days I have this twisted sensation in the pit of my stomach.
Like something big is happening and all I can do is sit and wait for it to get here.
I have no idea if it's good or bad….I just feel something about to change.

I don't know if it's me feeling restless, which has been known to happen.
I get sick of the same thing day in and day out and although I love routines, I would be lost without them…
sometimes I just need something big to come along and shake things up a bit.
Remind me I'm still me and not just a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister or a friend…
that I am me….
that I am still in here somewhere….
just taking pause and being what I need to be for now, for this time in my life.

This gut feeling could just be me being me and needing a wild, crazy night out or it could be something big happening.
Your guess is as good as mine…

I'll know it when I feel it….
I always do.