Anything But Gray

So……

As everyone knows, I have had weight issues ever since about 18 months after I had Ben…..after not having any issue my entire life. Luckily, my weight and body came effortlessly for me, all my life. So much so that when I got pregnant with Jaime, I had no clue what I weighed to start with. I didn't even own a scale. Weight was just never anything I had to struggle with. I have always been a go, go, go person, maybe not "working out" but I've had physical jobs, I've always turned cleaning into a sport, practically….so I've been somewhat active in my life and I'm not really a junk food / fast food junkie…..I have had my moments, for sure….but I always ate well more than I didn't….

Well after I had Jaime, I kept about 10 pounds of the pregnancy weight…but again, no biggy. All my clothes still fit, I didn't get any stretch marks so I didn't have a problem with the little tummy I had….it was no big deal. And I knew we were having more kids, so I wasn't overly motivated to lose the weight….why bother when I'm just gonna gain it again?? LOL

Then I had Ben and kept another 10. Then I got pissed. Then my clothes didn't fit and I felt fat…it was just driving me nuts….18 months after he was born, I researched diets online and decided on weight watchers. I told Zak about it and he said he would do it with me…..so we both lost some major weight and looked really good and healthy and we were so thrilled….

Well over the last few years, the weight has gradually creeped back for me. I so did it to myself..and not really from eating. When I first lost the weight, I was terrified of gaining it back so I kind of starved myself…not literally but enough so that when I DID eat…my body was like oh yeah, hang on to THOSE calories cause God knows when this dipshit is gonna feed me again! LOL So I gained some there….and I am a gain weight when I am stressed kind of person….so the combination of the two has made me creep back up to where I was after Ben. And I HATE. IT. SO. FUCKING. BAD.

Well…I made a deal with someone….either I was going to do something about my weight and shut up or I was gonna get okay with how I look and shut up by a certain date. The date came and went with no lost weight for me. And I decided that's it…I"m good with how I look, I'm gonna go buy some clothes that fit and just SHUT UP about my stupid weight. I'm going to keep eating right and start going to the gym and whatever happens, happens. And I was doing GOOD with that…I was done saying I was fat, done caring I felt fat…..I was just DONE stressing about the whole thing….but then the other day, I was looking in the mirror to see if a pair of shorts I wanted to wear where too short…like ass hanging out, too shor. So I go in the bathroom and get on a stool, so I can use my hand mirror to look in the big mirror. I lift the hand mirror over my head so I can see it in the big mirror, I see….oh my god, it's horrible…I couldn't believe it…one of the worst moments of my life…..I don't know if I can even say it….it really IS that bad….but for the sake of this blog post, I have to say it…..so I will…as hard as it is….I look in the mirror and I see…..(oh, god!!!!) back fat.  Honest to God fat roll on MY BACK!!!!  Well, THAT just ruined my friggin' day, thank you very much!!! And I immediately call Zak…"You HAD to have known that was there….how long has that been there??? Why didn't you TELL me, you fucker!!!" And I tell my Mom….and she, of course, rolls her eyes at me and doesn't believe me….so I lift up the back of my shirt and say.."Look! See for yourself!!!" And she looks and…get this….gasps a little and says.."oh, Joanna…." all shocked like! LOL (I am so loving her reaction…the best yet!!! LOL ) And I start yelling "See! I TOLD you!!!" and she's like "Well, you look great in clothes!" LOL

Anyway….I'm actually having fun with this, at this point….but I am seriously getting my ass to the gym. That one stupid little fat roll is going to kill all my I don't care how I look attitude! Not good! LOL

So I'm struggling to get that attitude BACK……and I come across this article….

This chick rocks!