Anything But Gray

Did you not believe it?
When you first heard the words…..or read them….who told you? Where did you read it?
Did you really believe it?
Did it take a minute to sink in?
Did your stomach drop and your heart sink?
Did you think "No way! No fucking way!!"
As if, if you denied it enough, it wouldn't be true?

For us, for Generation X…..he was our idol…our icon….our parents loved him as a child….but for us, he was an icon. Our first one. Our only true one. No one since, has been adored the way Michael Jackson was…we've had other megastars, superstars, even other icons…..but none of them can even compare to Michael Jackson.  He was ours…and I think for a lot of us…..most of us…..our hearts collectively broke that day.  Despite the weirdness that came to overshadow his greatness….despite the accusations….despite all that, we knew what we lost in that moment.  The moment we heard or read….Michael Jackson is dead.

Oh my god…..I still can't say it. I still can't read it. It makes my eyes well up to even write it…..how do you wrap your brain around those words?? How???

I honestly had no idea what Michael Jackson mattered to me. I knew I loved his music, knew I grew up loving his music….but I had no clue…..just no idea. Until he was gone. Gone.

You all know me….you know how I mark the eras of my life with music. Certain songs take me back…..songs make me feel exactly how I felt then, to the point that sometimes I just can't even listen to the song.

And the night he died…..I realized just how much he mattered. I realized just how connected his songs are to my life….and I didn't have to go far to find his songs because I have a bunch of his songs on my ipod and I have a Jackson 5 cd in my car because I sing a few of the songs with the kids….

I still listen….I still love it….I still can't not dance when I hear some of these songs…..

Although not one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs….it ain't Generation X without this….everyone remembers the huge hoopla surrounding the premiere of this video on MTV. This song takes me back to my childhood in Boston.

Another one that from the very first note, I am a little kid again playing double dutch in the streets of Boston….

This song and Smooth Criminal take me to my teenage years….these songs take me to our apartment in Fitchburg and when I ran away and went out on my own….some guys would always sing this song "Dirty Joanna" to me…..fun, crazy and wild memories come when I hear these songs…

As I got older…..these were the songs that I loved…that I would play over and over and over because they make me want to dance…they make me feel good….can't get enough of them….

And this one, I loved….loved seeing them sing together and it reminds me of my brother because he loved it too.

And this ….because I play it and a couple other Jackson 5 songs for the kids and we dance and sing and have a blast…..these songs remind me of my babies and being a mom and hoping they get my love of music…..

And this one…I sing to my boy…he always says…"But Mommy, that sounds like a girl!" LOL So cute….

and this, just because it's an amazing performance…..love it.

This song….I was listening to some Michael Jackson music while driving to Fitchburg last night and I was making it through all the songs without losing it…a first since the day he died. But this song comes on and I lose it. And I can't figure why….I think maybe because it's one of my big childhood songs, so maybe the combination is hard…but I'm not convinced that's it. And then I realize what it is…..I listened to this song while I was getting ready the day before he died….it just made me wish I could go back…wish I could go back and somehow have this never happen….not yet. We aren't ready to lose our icons, our idols…..

The day after he died….I heard no less then 5 or 6 cars go by, blasting Michael Jackson music…I have never seen anything like this in my lifetime…..such a collective heartbreak. Almost everyone feeling the same thing…..the same loss. The same sadness…….

I saw this quote and I think this sums it up, perfectly….this quote is in regards to Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

“These people were on our lunchboxes,“ said
Gary Giovannetti, 38, a manager at HBO who grew up on Long Island awash
in Farrah and MJ iconography. “This,“ he said, “is the moment when
Generation X realizes they’re grown up.“