Anything But Gray

Right now, I wish I could turn back the clock…

A young couple lost their baby.
A baby that fought hard for his life, fought hard to be here.
There are tragedies that I just cannot understand.

This baby was related to one of my friends and I was looking forward to getting together with my friend so she could tell me all about him. We hadn't been able to get together in awhile and she was going to come over tomorrow.
And I couldn't wait to hear every little detail about this baby and how the parents were doing.
We were going to get together last weekend but I couldn't because of the class I had to take.
How I wish I could go back, so she could get the joy of telling me all about him…

I am so sad.
And I feel helpless.
There is just nothing I can say that can help my friend.
My words seem useless and so small.

Although I have a hard time understanding things like this, I do turn to my faith…and I pray.
Pray for all the hearts that are broken and suffering from this loss.
And pray I am a good friend..pray I will say or do the right things…and pray that I am strong for my friend.
When someone I love is hurt, I hurt too. But I hurt too much and I don't know that it is helpful when you are going to somone in need and then you're supposed support winds up in tears. I cry too easy…
Empathy is not a bad thing and I wouldn't change that part of me, but I need to learn to be stronger when my loved ones need me and break down when they are gone. <sigh> I don't know that I'm making sense at all.
It's just that she has been there for me a thousand times and she is always so strong for me and such a good friend to me.  And I just hope I can be strong for her and I hope I can be of some help to her.

I just feel helpless….and just so sorry.
So incredibly sorry for this loss.

J and I had a little "spat".
Her and I rarely fight and on the one hand, I hate when we do, but on the other, I think we come out of it with a better understanding of each other AND I really think it makes our bond that much deeper. I know I realize that no matter what, she isn't going anywhere…and I thrive on that security with my friends. I need that security. Granted, it would still be there even if we never fought, but every little disagreement that we have, once we work it out, I always think how good it is that we can have our differences and still adore each other and trust each other.

And the thing with J….she truly is a soulmate for me. I truly believe this woman was put into my life on purpose and for a purpose. So I never doubt that we will work our differences out. Never, not for a second. Now sometimes I wonder how long it will take, but I never, ever doubt that we will work it out. And I always know I'm supposed to learn something from our disagreements. I know there is some lesson that is in there for me. So it makes me dig deeper and it makes me think harder and really figure myself and my problem out.
And I'm grateful for that…I'm grateful for her. And her support and advice and friendship. She means so much to me and when we were have disagreements, I always feel a bit unsettled.

We haven't spoke to each other on the phone since our disagreement. We've left comments on each other's blog and im'd but I haven't heard her voice. She called this weekend to let me know a Bon Jovi special was on and her voice was like a big, huge, cuddly blanket wrapped around me. As utterly corny as that sounds, it truly was like a comfort washed over me and everything felt alright again.
Like we never fought at all....

I am so bummed.

When I was 15 years old, I was in a hair salon getting my hair done. A song came on the radio…"Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce. I said to the hairdresser, "Oh, I love this song." She tells me how this radio station (Kiss 108) plays it every Saturday at noon. I thought that was so cool and so I would listen, all the time.

Then when I moved to Alaska, it became something that made me feel "home". When I would go back on vacations, I absolutely HAD to listen to that song, Saturday at noon. HAD TO. It made me feel home, it was a huge comfort for me. One Saturday when I was back home, I was at my mother's house and my sister was home. (she was still in high school) I turned the radio to Kiss 108 so I could listen and there is a line in the song.."I never thought I'd see/a time would you be/so far away from home/so far away from me" my sister and I sang that line to each other. It was one of those cool moments that you don't forget…it was a bonding moment for my sister and I. That one little moment really made me realize that she did miss me. (Her and I didn't have the best relationship at the time..)

Anyway, Kiss 108 quit playing it. I wrote them and asked if they really did quit. And they did. I keep meaning to call when Matty is on (he's the morning DJ and has been at that radio station since I was a kid) and throw a fit…I'm pretty sure that it's been well over a year since they've quit playing it and I keep putting off calling and I think a part of it is because I'm scared. I'm scared it's really, really gone and once I call…there's nothing more I can do. I think that's what keeps me from calling…the finality of it.
I keep going to the website every once in awhile…hoping against hope that it's back on…but it never is.

Why do that? Why stop such a long standing tradition?
I mean it's 3 stupid minutes and I know a TON of people listened to that…
I know I listened to it for at least 18 years!
18 years.
I just want it back by the time I move back there…..lol.
I just want my friggin' song back.

Ceci's kids. My niece and nephew.
DJ. Kayla.
They are all grown up and it's freaking me out a little bit.
DJ is about to be 21 and Kayla is 19.

A few day ago DJ said the "F" word in front of me for the first time.
Then last night Kayla said it in front of me for the first time.
How freakin' weird that they both did it so close to each other.
WEIRD. lol.

Wow.
They are so grown up.

I mean we all curse…a lot.
But to hear them say it….
It's not like it offended me to hear them say, It's just one of those things that make you realize they are so grown up.
and they've both turned out so freakin' awesome. I love them both so much.
They are great kids…people…grown ups. lol.
I don't know…I think I'm just having a "oh my god they went and grew up" moment…

Funny how one little word can give you that realization.
And I wonder if they realized it too.
If both of them knew that this was the first time they said that in front of me.
I'm betting they did…

Today is our boss's birthday. He's more like family than a boss….the kids call him Grandpa Mike.
We adore him, more than words could ever say and he has done so much for our family.
He's been so supportive of our marriage and our lives, over the years.
He's a one of a kind and we are blessed to work for such an incredible person.
We love you Mike!!
Happy, Happy Birthday!

So today is looking like another crazy busy day and the Halloween pics might not happen, but maybe I can make up for it by posting a couple of other pictures. These two are just a couple of pics that I love.
They are from April 2005.

End of april pics 002

How freakin' cute is this picture??
I love it…

End of april pics 020

So I call Kirk today as I was driving to the store, just to say hi and I wanted to tell him a kinda funny story about a conversation Zak and I had.
So I say, totally lighthearted.
"My husband is a dumb ass. You want to know why?"
His guess as to why my husband is a dumb ass?
"Because he married you." he responds.
What the hell ?? I think.
"Fuck off" I say..
and we both laugh.
 
And that would be reason #125 why him and I wouldn't have worked out. (yes, I am keeping track…ha!)
Shithead.
I tell Zak about it and he just laughs and says "I really like that guy…"
So now I'm like okay, both of you can just fuck off. lol.
Men.

Anyway, as I'm sure everyone has noticed, I didn't get the Halloween pics up.
I just got swamped today, super busy and just never got a moment to do it.
BUT tomorrow (Friday) I will try, again…

FYI…
American Gangster..
AWESOME movie!!
Go see it…

I promise, I promise.
I'll get them up tomorrow, at some point.

I also have Jaime's school pics back and they came out awesome, gotta hand those out too.
I'm not even saying how long I've had them and not handed them out…ugh.

Kids are in bed, hmmm..uh oh…I spoke too soon. Ben is so not in bed and Zak just got up from the computer and is stomping off to put him back to bed for the 5th time. Ben is so in trouble….Daddy is gonna kick his butt.
I gotta go save him….
Ha!!

night.

That stupid class is done, the Patriots are still undefeated, we had our first snow fall today, I get my hair done tomorrow and life is generally good.

Now the bad news…(because my life would not be my life is there wasn't some kind of drama going on. I swear I think I create it just to keep things interesting….kidding, people..kidding.)

It really sucks when you try to help someone and you wind up the bad guy.
And it really, really sucks when you know you are giving good, sound advice and it won't be taken.
And I really hate know-it-all attitudes and people who use the same lame ass excuse for the way they treat someone, when they get called on it.
And I really have a problem with hypocrites. When someone judges someone for behavior and looks down on them yet they have done the same friggin' thing themselves or things that are just as bad, just in a different category of morality.
Isn't that just lovely?

And you know what really drives me nuts?  Knowing how awesome a person is except for a couple of teeny little things that, because said awesome person won't change them, turn into BIG things. That is what really drives me batty. When the little things get ignored so they get bigger and bigger until they start overshadowing all the awesome parts.
That, I think, is a huge injustice and I really hope this person gets their head out of their ass before it's too late.

freakin' BARELY. geez
I was soooo wrong it's not even funny.
Let me assure you, this game was exactly the opposite of winning big.
That was seriously as stressful as a Super Bowl. Ugh….

But this was the hardest team to beat and we did it!
Even with the horrible officiating and Randy Moss not playing his best and the offensive line getting beat….
Still undefeated.
So cool…

Today is a HUGE game between my team (Patriots) and the Colts.
When they announced the schedule for this year, there were 2 games I looked for, right away. The first time we would play the Chargers and the first time we would play the Colts.
The Charger's game was our second game…didn't have to wait very long for that.
The Colt's game was Nov. 4th and that was a little long to wait for me, but oh well. Something to look forward to.

I never imagined it would be like this.
Both teams undefeated.
Our team looking like some kind of freak of nature.

This is gonna be good!!!!

Because we have given up such good leads before, because our team has had such horrific losses (the Colts/Patriots playoff game last year is a perfect example of this…and why I was so looking forward to the first time we play them this season) you can never, ever be completely confident we are going to win. We have screwed up enough in the past so that you know in your head….it could happen, no matter how many points ahead we are. And this Colt's team is good. So…I'm nervous and excited.

I hope we win!!!! If we win this…watch out 1972 Dolphins…we're chasing it!!!!

Honestly? I wasn't going to post this…but I do think we are going to win. Big.
We'll see!!!

Happy Football Day!!!!

Damn, I love this sport!

P.S. We miss you so much Marky….although I have to say, your seat friggin' ROCKS. I was so getting screwed all those years…!!! Ha! I kid, I kid….I would give up that seat in a second to have you here to watch the game with us.
Love you, bro!