Anything But Gray

The rush and stress of the season has taken it's toll and I am beyond pissy today.
It's a ton of things….
Physically, I started 5 stupid days early and my first 2 days are hell….so that, right there, puts me in a crappy mood.
I so have no desire to go shopping during the first two days and because it's Christmas, I have no choice. Have to suck it up and get it done. That does not make me happy. At all.
There is this procedure they can do now, that can eliminate your period….it has chances of not working, but the numbers look good to me. Of course, no one here does this stupid procedure. Whatever.

Something so beyond words sucky happened to one of my best friends and I'm really pissed at life, for it.
I don't fucking get it and I'm mad. Mad that I can't be there, mad that it happened and just MAD.

I have a million things to get done, none of which I want to do today.

My son woke up and immediately threw a fit because….I would not MAKE COOKIES AT 7AM!!!!!!

<sigh>

Who the hell wants to listen to a 4 year old FIT, first thing in the morning, after having slept like total crap because of your stupid period?

I hate this day.
and it's only 8:30am.
nice.

I help people out a fair amount. I'm usually pretty willing to lend a hand and do what I can for people. And I really love doing it. It makes me feel good. People think I'm pretty cool but they have no clue how not that cool it is.
Seriously. It's so totally selfish.
If the people that I do things for knew how good it made me feel, they would realize that I should be thanking them for letting me help! lol.
Yesterday was a day full of little thank you's that made me feel so good!
You would've thought I was high, I was so happy. lol

Over the weekend, I had Lindsay and Jack over to play. Normally we just have Lindsay over. But Ben and Jack actually play together really well so I suggested that both of them come play. They were only here about 3 hours or so but it was really nice and the kids all had a blast. Yesterday morning I got an email from Janice saying how cool it was for her to get to get her whole house cleaned and then get to ENJOY it for a little bit before the kids got home. That made me feel good, because I know how good that feels, to actually get to enjoy all your work for a little bit.
So that, right there, puts me in a great mood. Starts the day off awesome.

One of Jaime's classmates has piano lessons right by my house. They live out the road and it is a bit of a trek for the mom to come to the school, pick up Sally (Jaime's classmate) and then drive her out to piano lessons and then hang around waiting for her to get done. So I offered to drive her, because I drive right by there on my way home. I figured I'd save her the trip and it's certainly no problem for me, at all. I've been doing that for a few weeks now. Yesterday when I drop Sally off, the piano teacher opens the door and says "You are such a cool friend. I need a friend like you." I was like thank you! But really, this is so not one of the things I do that makes me a cool friend. Now , I can be a cool friend, don't get me wrong..but this is just not one of the things I think would make me cool. LOL I would feel bad if I didn't offer because it's so not out of my way.
But that made me feel good. So I'm feeling even a little happier.

Saturday night Ceci asked me and Zak to help her do something for her boss (the owner ) at Domino's.
He was trying to get reservations for this exclusive froo-froo resturaunt in San Fransisco. We wound up not being able to get them Sat. night and then Ceci asked me try again Sunday. Zak wasn't having any part of it but I said I would.
I wound up getting them and at an awesome time. So Monday he knocks on my door and hands me a big ass bottle of kahoola. I was like what the hell is he giving me a Christmas gift for? I was totally confused…very happy, mind you, but totally surprised by this and confused as fuck. Then he starts talking about the reservation and it occurs to me that he got me that to thank me! I was like Holy wow! How cool is that???

And later that night, as I'm drinking a kahoola and cream and thinking about what an awesome day I had.
I'm thinking man, this just cannot get any better.
I LOVE helping people!! lol.

So this morning, I'm still feeling pretty happy and thinking maybe I am pretty darn nice and I go to Jaime's school. I volunteer in the classroom on Tuesday mornings. I walk in and the teacher hands me a gift! It's a thank you for helping out in the classroom!
Now I'm thinking..okay, I just can't take much more…I'm like going to BURST with happiness!! LOL
Seriously, I am like so happy I just want to run around and HUG everyone.
I'm such a dork…

But see? Stuff like this is EXACTLY why I LOVE Christmas…people are just nice.
And I like nice.

Every once in awhile it sure is cool to get those thank you's and little gestures of appreciation.
They make you just want to keep on giving!! lol

🙂

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday.
I love Christmas. It seriously makes my heart happy.
I get jump up and down excited….
I could never, ever put into words the utter joy Christmas brings my heart and soul.
People, in general, tend to be happier and just more giving of their hearts.
Nicer. Friendlier. Kinder.
Even friends and family bond together and seem to become closer around the holidays and I freakin' love it.
Absolutely love it.

Friday, for example….me, Danielle and Kim got together to just enjoy each other's company and it's right around the holidays so it was perfectly acceptable to not work and start drinking at 1pm and spend the day together. Any other time of the year, we'd get "the look".
And it was so nice to have a girl day and hang out.
I so want to do that more.
Kim and I drank an entire bottle of champagne between us. (I LOVE champagne…) And then there were more drinks, wonderful food and just awesome conversation.
I love my friends.
They make my heart happy.
And if it weren't for the holidays…we wouldn't have done that.
Christmas just brings people together in a way that no other time of the year seems to.

But for awhile, Christmas was hard for me.
Zak and I have had our ups and downs in our relationship, obviously.
We have been through some major dramas and have always come out stronger.
But sometimes it takes awhile to get past the hurt of the drama and realize the strength.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but about hmmm….gosh, I actually have to think about this…okay, 10 years ago, Zak and I had major problems. Huge. Didn't think we'd survive it kind of big.
And on Dec. 22nd….3 days before Christmas….he woke up and told me we were over.
Done.

That night I sat in front of the Christmas tree with Ceci and we talked. No lights were on, just the glow of the Christmas tree lights. At one point, I looked at her and as the tears ran uncontrollably down my face, I asked her "What am I going to do now? I gave up my life, my home, to be with him….what am I going to do now?" And I put my face in my hands and cried. Cried that I was losing my marriage, cried because I had given up so much to be with him and I cried because…how could he do that to me 3 days before Christmas? Knowing how much I adore Christmas, knowing the joy the Christmas season brings me, how on earth could he leave me 3 days before Christmas??

Obviously…we survived that drama.

Every night before I go to bed, I look at the Christmas tree…and for many, many years, after that drama, the glow of the Christmas tree lights would remind me of that night with Ceci and I would have to fight back the tears….and push away the insecurities….and remind myself that we made it, we got passed it and we are okay…and then one year, as I looked at the Christmas tree…I found myself thanking God we made it. Thanking God we survived. And that's when I realized, I was okay…we made it through that drama and we were okay, but finally, after so many years….I realized I was okay too….and now…the glow of the Christmas tree lights….makes me say a prayer of thanks…a little whisper to God….I know what I have and I am so thankful and grateful for it.
Not just my marriage, but my kids, my family and my wonderful, wonderful friends….

I am blessed with the people that love me.
I am lucky.

And Christmas is always a time that reminds of that and I know it makes me happier because in my heart I am feeling so very fortunate and loved and it makes me want to show all the people that love me, how very, very much I love them…

It's pure joy.
and I love it..

So me, Danielle and Kim are trying to plan a day to get together.
We have been emailing back and forth for a few days, trying to figure everything out.
Kim emails and says she thinks she found a new trail to hike over the weekend.
Danielle then responds and says she wants to try out the new trail.
Kim's reply?
"I'm sure it'll be snowing/raining so I don't know how well Joanna will fare on a walk."
So cracked me up….she is so freakin' right and it just made me laugh.

Keep in mind, I do walk, I do hike on occasion but I'm not exactly what you would call an "outdoor" person. It's weird because I love camping, I love hikes and walks and being outside, but I'm just not a fan of the friggin' rain and being in it for extended periods of time. Now the thing is, to live here in Juneau, if you can't blow off the rain and go out anyway, you're not gonna get out much. And that would be me. LOL One of the reasons why I can't wait to move to a better climate. And I've also been known to make sure to bring my coffee and cigarettes on a hike, which makes everyone totally roll their eyes at me…. 🙂 But hey man..at least I'm hiking!!

Anyway, it was just one of those fun little moments in a friendship when you realize, even though you don't spend a ton of time together, you realize how close you are. 🙂

So we wound up making plans for Friday. We all are off of work and so we're going to go to Kim's and drink wine, eat food and maybe decorate sugar cookies and just visit. It's been awhile since the 3 of us have gotten together so I am so super excited and I can't wait!! I'm hoping to get some good pics of us too. This is the last picture of us I have..it's from Danielle's wedding, like 5 years ago….it has Rachel in it, who was another girl from the travel agency and we kind of all did things together. We used to do lunch a lot and hike and hang out. Over the years we've fallen out of touch with Rachel, which is a bummer.  Anyway, it's not the best pic, but I love it….it's such a happy picture!

The girls danielle wedding copy

In order, from this end to that end….ha!…Rachel, Danielle, me (with my long curly hair..whoa! lol) and Kim.

This week has been crazy busy, to the point that I'm not getting a chance to sit at my computer until 10-11pm at night. I think by Monday things will be a bit more calm and I"ll be able to sit back and enjoy the season a little more.

Where the heck does the time GO??
It's INSANE!
And I got such a late start this year…I have no clue what happened to me, but I didn't even really begin thinking about Christmas until after Thanksgiving. Like really start planning and making my list, etc.

I'm not doing too bad and it'll get done, I'm just amazed at how fast this season is going by.
Just in the blink of an eye….
I got Zak a couple of pretty cool gifts, so I'm super excited about that.
The kids have quite a few things that I know they are going to absolutely LOVE, so that makes me happy.
And I know Zak has planned ahead and I know he got me something cool…I can't wait to see what!!!! lol.

Just wanted to throw a little something up, so people know I'm alive!!
🙂

tah!

Football day…
Watched the Patriots, of course.
We won…after the last two weeks, it was nice to see us back on track.
Undefeated? It's a real possibility now….
I can't believe we really could do this!!!!

🙂

I love my team!!!
GO PATRIOTS!!!!

10:40pm.
I sit at computer and am settling in for some itunes, browsing, reading and just unwinding.
shit, I think…need a beer.
Get up from chair, go to fridge, go for beer.
I see the beer.
Fuck, I think.
2. Only 2.
This is not good.
I have my beer drinking down to a science. I feel the first one, but it goes way too fast. The 2nd one is nice but it doesn't really do the job and it too, goes way too fast. 3rd one? Perfect. About a quarter way into it, I start feeling really nice and about half way through it, my head is sufficiently happy and I feel good. Senses are heightened, mind is relaxed, stress is relieved….I am happy there. I like it there. I typically nurse the rest of the beer and just enjoy being in my happy place. Now after the 3rd beer is gone, I turn into nympho. I luckily, (depending on your view) have a super charged sex drive. And once I get 3 beers in me…forget it. Think sex fiend on crack. (okay..maybe exaggerating slightly) And I've always been like this, it hasn't changed a bit since I started drinking at 16. My 3 beer buzz is legendary people. Fucking legendary. Seriously.
Now over the years as I've grown up and come to realize sleep has to come before sex (the horror in that realization is a whole other post…) sometimes. And I've realized that if I go to bed after having a few beers, I sleep really, really good. It's like it just relaxes everything….
Point being…everything about 3 beers is great. Fantastic. Awesome.
2 beers will not get me there.
Fuck….

How did I not notice I didn't have 3 beers left??
<sigh>

2 beers will have to do for tonight.
lol.

P.S. My name is Joanna and I am not an alcoholic.
P.P.S. I have no idea why not….by all statistics, personal history, personality and hereditary reasoning, I should be….
Don't know how I managed to side step that train wreck….but boy I'm glad I did!!!
ha!!

Thing 1 and Thing 2 know that when they wake up in the middle of the night, if they go to their Dad, he will put them back to bed but if they come to me, I will let them get in bed and sleep with us.

My philosophy is that as long as they are not "having" to go to bed with us in order to sleep and as long as they are not interfering with "adult" time, they can sleep with us every night for all I care. They won't want to climb in bed and cuddle with us forever and they won't be little enough to, forever and I love when they cuddle. I love their tiny bodies nestled up next to me, it makes my heart happy, Seriously. My kids are both pretty rambunctious kids and to have those moments of peace, of stillness so I can just marvel at them, is rare. And I'll take it however I can get it. And there is something so precious about a kid who is half asleep and all they want is you.

Last night, I wake up to both of them, on my side of the bed, climbing in.
I moved over to give them room, trying to be somewhat still while I moved so I didn't wake up Zak and we got all settled in. Before I fell back asleep, as I watched them sleep, there was a moment of thankfulness and gratefulness that was almost overwhelming. As crazy as these two kids make me, I am so very, very fortunate. These two little souls complete me and make me feel like no matter what, I have done something so right in this world. No matter what else I do or don't accomplish in my life, I will, indeed, leave this world a little better than I found it.
Just because they are in it.

Now…I just need to remember this next time they are driving me crazy!!!!

I am so annoyed with myself.
I am trying to Christmas shop tonight online…I have barely started and am starting to get a little panicked. This is so unlike me to wait this long. I have no idea what my issue is this year…
Hell, I wasn't even going to do Christmas cards. I was just going to buy a couple boxes, throw a pic of us in there and sign them and call it good. But when I told Ceci of my plans she said "Oh, but it's so nice to get one that you make." all disappointed like…so that decided that. Everyone can thank Ceci for the Christmas cards this year. ha!

So I have procrastinated in a major kind of way, for some reason. And it's not the end of the world, I'll get it done. But I'm sitting here thinking I have found the perfect thing for 2 of my girlfriends…it's nothing spectacular but it's unusual, original and useful and that I like. I'm a big fan of practical and useful, yet still cool, gifts.
I'm big on the "Whoa..this is SO COOL. Where did you find this?" factor.
If I don't go sentimental or with something I made for a gift and I go the useful and practical, yet original and cool route, and I get that response from it, all is well in my world.
Anyway, the problem?
I think I maybe might have already given this gift to one of them, for their birthday.
I am so annoyed at myself! I can always remember who I gave what to.
It's insane that I am drawing such a blank.
WTF is with me, this year?? Ugh…

I keep thinking I am going to make myself a gift journal. You know to keep track of gifts we give and receive and gift ideas. (I am always looking for gift ideas. I have a favorites list on my computer, even.)
This seals the deal…I am so making myself a gift journal.

Luckily, the friend that I think I might have gotten this for already is super cool and would so completely understand.
Well, all my friends are super cool. Really! But this friend in particular would not at all be offended or annoyed. She would think it was funny. So it's not that big of a deal. I think I'm more annoyed that I can't remember, than anything.
I live for giving gifts, absolutely love it. One of my favorite things on the planet and the fact that I can't remember what I gave someone, someone that means a lot to me!, is kinda pissing me off.

It's the kids…Thing 1 and Thing 2 are sucking my memory cells away…one scream at a time.

UGHHHH..

I am so totally annoyed with Jon right now. (Jon of Bon Jovi..yeah that one…).
He just added TWO new concert dates to his friggin' world tour.

Two dates at the casino back home..where I am going…in March…tickets already bought and everything, just counting down the days…(101..) We're going on March 15th. Want to know when these stupid concert dates that he just added are for? MARCH 7 & 8th!!!!
What in the fuck???
I mean COME ON….how cruel can the concert gods BE?

It's like he's rubbing it in that I don't live back home yet or something.
I mean the weekend BEFORE I GET there??
What on the face of this earth did I DO to deserve this utter injustice???

Me and Jon..we are SO going to fight.
But not around his wife…she's like a black belt in Karate or some shit…

<sigh>
Whatfrigginever…

My hope…he'll add some concert dates after they get back from Europe at the end of July.
That's what I was COUNTING on because he had no Boston dates yet, so I was thinking when the band got back from Europe they'd hit a few more cities in America..

I can still hope….