Anything But Gray

I knew, before Zak and I had kids, it would be hard.
I was no fool and I knew raising kids is tough stuff.
But every once in awhile I realize…
I had no fucking clue.
Oh sure, I thought I knew…but really, I had no idea.

My son is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
He drains me, mentally, in a way no one ever has before.
He is a funsucker. A lifesucker.
He can wreck the best of moods and ruin the happiest of times before you even know what hit you.
He can send me to bed wondering what I could've possibly done to anyone to deserve this kind of karmic punishment.
He is so stubborn.
He is so strong.
He is so loud.
And he is so sweet, so funny, so kind, so incredibly cute and so strong and so stubborn.
It's really hard, knowing these traits he has that make dealing with him so difficult now, will serve him so well later in life.

He is getting better. The fits are less frequent, he communicates and understands a lot better..but it's still tough.
When he decides he is going to have a battle of wills with one of us….it's a fight to the death and no one wins.
We all wind up miserable.
We succeed in not succumbing to his ridiculous tantrums, but the price is high sometimes.
Sometimes the mama in me really disagrees with a way Zak is choosing to discipline him and then we wind up arguing.  I hate that with every ounce of my being.

And then our fight goes on well after Ben is done.
I butt in when I shouldn't sometimes (well..after last night's fight, I discovered that apparently it's all the time)….or I don't and we still disagree.  And I have to say it's a good percentage of the time that Zak is right….but our fight drags on and on and because I fight to make him understand my view. Not agree with me, but at least understand me.
And in his head…for him to say he understands where I'm coming from but disagrees with it, is conceding.
And he won't do it.
So the fight just goes on and on and on.
And then I start getting mad at my son.
"Thanks a lot" I think…" now I have to deal with this shit."
It just sucks sometimes.

Of course, we work it out and I'm always thankful that I have him and that he is a very involved father and we plow ahead. Hoping that maybe we actually taught Ben something and something from this battle will make the right neurons click in his head.

But man, it's just hard some days.
Just so friggin' hard.

J has been doing this and I think I want to do it too.

Loathe:

• Long plane rides
• snagging my nail too far down and trying to NOT rip it off because the pain will be excruciating.
• stressing about a situation that I cannot control.
• choosing a hotel via the internet
• the fact that it snowed last night and this am…hello! we spring cleaned our yard this weekend! The snow is supposed to be GONE now, thank you very much.
• figuring out what to have for dinner.

Loves:

• Getting to see my family and friends that I haven't seen in 2.5 years.
• Going "home"
• I can't waits….
• getting my hair done.
• naps
• having an awesome husband that is totally cool with me taking naps.
• yard work
• Dunkin' Donuts coffee

Yay!
That is FUN.

My friend Kim went on a trip for 10 days and she got back last Friday.

I have a "thing" with seeing people off at the airport. It's just something that I like to do.
I like to be there when people leave and I like to be there when they get back.
It's a sentimental stupid hang up of mine.
My friend Kim is a very…hmm….matter of fact, no drama, no bullshit, not super emotional…just very even keeled kind of friend. So she likes to give me a hard time about this airport thing of mine.

Before she left she asked me for a ride to the airport and asked if I could pick her up.
"Of course!" I tell her….and she was so thankful.
But really, it was totally selfish reasons….
There is no way she could give me a hard time about seeing her off and meeting her when she got back if I was her ride! LOL I told her that and she just laughed at me. 🙂

Anyway…Kim and I aren't the talk every day, see each other every day type of friends but we are really close.
When her weekend errands bring her out to the valley, she makes it a point to stop by. I am getting very used to her stopping by on Saturdays. She typically doesn't stay a real long time, but it's really nice to see her and chat. And the kids really dig her too. I think I didn't realize how much I like just knowing she is around. I really missed her when she was gone. She emailed me from vacation and I was psyched to get the email. And she called me at one point and it was so good to hear from her. It just made me realize how much I really missed her! lol. I was actually surprised because even when she is here in town, we'll sometimes go 10 days without talking, so I was a little surprised at the fact that I missed her as much as I did!

I think I never realized how much I like knowing she's a phone call away.
Kim is an awesome friend and I adore her. It's funny how we are so opposite in so many ways, yet we work.
It's a friendship I'm really thankful to have and I love how we keep getting closer and closer.
If you knew both of us when we first met each other (almost nine years ago she hired me at the travel agency, she was my boss) I think no one (including us!) would've predicted we would've wound up as good of friends as we are.
I love surprises! ha!

I'm glad she had fun, I'm glad she got a vacation and I'm REALLY glad she's back!
🙂

Oh that's just friggin' lovely.
As if the FIRST seven weren't hard enough to abide by, now they go and add seven MORE.

More Sins...

Isn't that like cheating or something? I am so sure there is a "life"
rule book somewhere (NOT the bible…a more concise rule book) that says you don't get to "add" new sins halfway through someone's life!
Hey..maybe we can get grandfathered in?
Like maybe these new sins don't actually apply to us, maybe they just get applied to new kids and new babies.
That makes sense, right?

I wonder if there is a committee you can write to about this??
ha!!!

What a nice thing to wake up to on a Monday morning, huh?
Happy Monday to you too!
🙂

P.S. As a small disclaimer, I should add that these new ones seem very specific and not as general as the other ones. lol

Jaime is in a choir at her school. They are called the Little Orcas and they are adorable. They have preformed in front of the school before and that's pretty much it.

The Little Orcas get together once a week and Jaime has enjoyed going. But whenever they have preformed she has been a little shy. She gets up there and does what she is supposed to do, but she's very reserved. Even with her anxiety with preforming, she never asks to quit Little Orcas, so she continues to go and we hope she works through her anxiety and perhaps, with practice, she'll get more and more relaxed.

There was a big dinner here for "Women of Distinction" and the Little Orcas and the Orcas (which is the choir for the bigger kids) were asked to preform. Well, at first Jaime didn't want to do it. She was scared to sing in front of so many people (it was a dinner for about 400-500 people) she didn't know at all.  We suggested she keep going to the practices and maybe she would change her mind. I talked to the music teacher and let her know our plan. And the teacher was cool with that. Then Jaime found out that the performance was going to be on t.v. and she was PSYCHED. She was so excited she was going to be on t.v. We were thrilled that she was happy to be performing and we got excited too. I let the teacher know that Jaime would be performing and was looking forward to it. Then a day later Jaime decides that she actually doesn't want to be on t.v. because then the WHOLE WORLD will see her singing. LOL We told her it would be fine, she should just act like she was singing for the video camera at home. She should just pretend it was Daddy video taping her and sing like she does at home. That seemed to relax her and ease her nervousness.

So we pack up the kids last night to go to the show. We drove one of Jaime's friends because they are leaving for a trip today and Mom and Dad just had a lot of last minute stuff to do….
We get there and get the girls all settled into the room and we walk around in the hallway, waiting for them to begin. In a few minutes the Little Orcas came out and lined up. The parents all snuck into the room and lined up against the back wall. I found a spot next to a couple of servers and watched. To my complete surprise, Jaime appeared completely relaxed and was singing with all her heart.

And she didn't take her eyes off the t.v. camera. It's like she spotted the camera and took my advice to heart….and thought "oh yeah..that camera is here to tape MEEEE!!!!!"

I put my hand to my head and just started laughing, the servers beside me were laughing too and I say "My kid won't take her eyes off the camera" They say "Oh yeah…she's getting her 15 minutes…" and we all just watched Jaime, in her own little super star world, flipping her hair back and singing into the camera with all her heart. She so cracked me up. She was singing LOUD too, we could totally hear her voice among all the other kids, which is a first. Typically when she does a performance, she sings super soft and we can't hear her at all. Being able to actually hear her voice was so cool!  I was so proud of her!  Even with her little diva display….

God, I love that kid.

The teacher is going to let us know when it is supposed to air on t.v. and we'll tape it for sure.

Bon Jovi played in Connecticut tonight, at the casino.
This is the casino we go to when we go back home.
They are playing there tomorrow night too.
I had already bought our plane tickets for our trip during Jaime's spring break and then he added these shows!
So broke my heart…..
7 days away….I missed him by 7 friggin' days.

There is almost no better feeling in the world, than watching Bon Jovi live.
I've seen them only 5 times now and I never, ever get sick of it.
This is a clip from their 2006 tour. This is the tour Zak and I went to Portland to see. We met up with Tina and she came too. It was AWESOME.
We had kick ass seats. Floor seats, row 10.

This clip is of the song Blaze of Glory. For me, his was one of the absolute, hands down, best concert moments ever. The intro was amazing. And I loved how long it was…it was like a crescendo rising and rising in your soul…the drums….you could feel the music in your chest….and the beat…it just sucked you in….it made you feel the song over every inch of your body. It was thisclose to holy, the feeling was so amazing to me. And then the drums stopped and you could hear his voice…you could hear his words…but you didn't know where he was singing from, it took a few seconds to find him, in the crowd. And the excitement in that moment….not knowing where he was, but hearing that voice…hearing his words…and feeling them on your skin….it was just absolutely amazing.

This clip does not do it justice…but it's pretty darn close.

 
I swear, for the rest of my life….if people question my love for music and my insatiable need to see bands/singers live…I'll just show them this clip…this is it. If I had to simplify it….this is why.

I'm so bummed I missed them, but I'm holding out hope they play Boston this summer.
I have some serious Live Bon Jovi making up to do!

So big mouth that I am, bet some friends of ours, Lonnie and Bev, a dinner that the Patriots would win the Super Bowl.
Needless to say, we owed them a dinner.

So we (they…we were voting for McDonald's since we had to pay…ha!) decided on the Japanese Steak House. Very good food and it's fun to watch them cook the food right there in front of you. Anyway, we walked into the restaurant and we see our friends waiting for us. Dressed to the nines….in Giants gear.

Lonnie and Bev

How funny is that?? They crack me up…
Turns out, to dress in Giants gear like that was Bev's idea. She was in Anchorage and found all the stuff.
Now, we know Lonnie is a joker and a smart ass. And I know Bev has got a good sense of humor, but Lonnie is more the outwardly funny one. Bev tends to be bit more reserved…
After this…she just moved way up in my funny book.
I love it!!!

We really like these guys. They are such good people. They have been together since like 8th grade and they are just really cool people. Lonnie is also our dentist. This is the wonderful man responsible for fixing my horrible bite. I can now eat….I can now smile and not feel awkward. Getting my teeth fixed has been the best thing I could've ever done for myself. Unless you have had bad teeth, I don't think you truly get how awful it makes you feel. I'm an outgoing person and I love to laugh and I love people. My teeth, for years, kept me from wanting to go to professional functions with Zak, it kept me from wanting to meet new people…it just held me back in so many ways. I am so much more comfortable and confident now and it is such a blessing. I owe this man so much….I will be forever grateful for all that he has done for me.

It was really nice going out to dinner with them. We really enjoy them and think the world of them and we have been talking about wanting to go out to dinner for
literally, years. So it was really cool to spend some time with them
outside of the dentist chair! lol.

This was one bet that I was happy to pay up!
Well, I was happy to make Zak pay up, anyway!
ha!

Today is 17 years that Zak and I have been together…

Zak and I have lived together from the day we met, but on this day, 17 years ago, I moved my stuff from my bedroom into his bedroom and that is how we "moved in" together. LOL

I came to Alaska to visit my friend Tina who had moved up here from back home.
Tina and her boyfriend were living with Zak and they had a guest bedroom in the apartment.
Zak's high school sweetheart had gone back to LA 9 months before and Zak, not finding any romantic prospects to his liking here, asked Tina one day…"So do you have any cute single girlfriends back home?" And Tina replied…"As a matter of fact I do."
And then she called me and asked if I'd like to come visit. I, at the time, was involved with 2 guys. One I had been living with and had moved out of his house a few months prior but I was trying to get back together with him, with no success. And the other was him…Kirk. The guy I had been in love with for years but he didn't want a committed relationship. Anyway, sick of the drama with both of them, I said yes to Tina's invitation.

I had no idea Zak had paid half my plane ticket. I knew there was a romantic intention there, but I wasn't real sure how serious it was. I thought it was kind of a joke…

So I got on the plane for a 3 month journey to Alaska. I was scared and excited.
The longest I had ever been away from my mom, at that point, was 2 weeks for summer camp.
It was a big step for me, to go off on my own like that.
But I was thrilled to be going.

When I got off the plane, Zak was actually the first person I remember seeing but I didn't know it was him. I had never seen a picture of Zak before, I had no idea what he looked like and then when I spotted Tina standing beside this huge, very hot guy, I said to myself "Oh, please let that be Zak..please let that be Zak."
It was.
🙂

On the drive to their apartment from the airport "Safety Dance" was playing on the stereo. I think it was one of Zak's tapes. (yes..tape..this was 1991 people.) Zak and Tina were sitting up front and I was sitting in the back and I started singing along to the song and Zak looked at Tina and said "Oh yeah…she likes my music!"
I think he started falling for me right there…LOL  Tina's boyfriend was always giving Zak a hard time about the music he listened to..(think Erasure type stuff) and so when I was singing along to a song he loved, I think I made a good impression! lol.

Anyway….we started getting to know each other and really liking each other and love letters were written, promises were made…and chances were taken.

It's the best thing I ever did.

You love I, baby!
<wink>
Happy 17 years!!!

He's retiring….

I am seriously bummed.

I'm not going to be 100% convinced until HE announces it…..but this is looking pretty certain, with everyone reporting it.

This so totally sucks.
Football will just not be the same without Brett.

And I really, REALLY wanted him to play one more year so I could have a chance at seeing him play live.
Now granted, it was a highly unlikely chance…but still…there was a chance.
NOW I HAVE NO CHANCE OF EVER GETTING TO SEE HIM PLAY.

I so hope he coaches, eventually.
He'd be almost just as much fun to watch coaching as he was to watch playing…lol.

I knew it…I told Zak the other day…"Whoa…wasn't his first NFL play an interception? And now his last play was an interception? Crap..that's like full circle karma thing…."

So funny…today is me and Zak's "going out" anniversary….17 years. 🙂
and maybe it's symbolic too….
March fourth.
Time him to move on…

Okay, now I'm thinking way too hard on this.

But damn, I am bummed….I so wanted him to stay.