Anything But Gray

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  • I need to smile…

    Today, my cousin's son's body will get here from Iraq.
    I don't know if they make a big deal of it…I don't know how any of that works…I mean you see in the movies when a soldier's body comes home, they make a big service of it. I don't know if that's the way it works in real life or what….
    What I do know is that regardless of how it all works…it is going to be so incredibly difficult for my cousin…and my thoughts are with her and I am struggling not to cry.

    And on that note….because if I don't put my mind on other things, I will be a wreck all day….(this is a guilt fuck in itself because a part of me feels guilty that I can focus on other things, obviously my cousin, cannot.) I watched this, this morning and it made me smile and I wanted to share…it really is hysterical.
    Kayla made this video and I love it!

    Sabrina VS Jaime! Ultimate Fight

     

    Enjoy!
    And again…count your blessings….you can lose the people you love in an instant.

  • Coggshall

    Here is a link to another article, with pictures.

    Fitchburg Sentinel article

    I still can't believe it.

  • Oh my god…they have no clue what they’ve done…

    If this was arson….which it most likely was because electricity had been cut off since the ice storm….
    I have a little something to say to the assholes that did this.

    You have no clue of the loss.

    You have no idea how many hearts you have broken with this.
    You can't have any idea.
    Because if you do….you are evil.
    And you will get yours, in a huge way, because karma will kick your ass.
    And it's going to kick it hard because of the hundreds and hundreds of hearts that you have broken by burning this to the ground. You will suffer for this. Every time, for the rest of your life, something goes wrong or something bad happens to you….it is because of this.
    Because of what you have done.
    Because of how many people you have hurt by doing this.
    Because of what you have destroyed.
    You will suffer.

    One building….that one building holds so many memories for so many people….and you have turned it into ashes.

    How dare you.

    Coggshall Park

    I seriously cannot believe this.
    I am truly stunned….

    James called me to tell me….of course it would be James….he had genuine sorrow in his voice. He knew this was going to bother me….he was so sorry for me….and for us, I think….how many walks, how many long talks….how many moments have James and I shared in there? 
    And just like that…another memory of James and Coggshall Park is built.
    I'm sorry for you too, James.

    And for anyone else who's heart is broken over this senseless destruction.

  • for the record.

    what was it….2 years ago or so?….whatever it was….I got my real estate license so I could go back to work.
    Why?
    Because Zak needed my help….the very few things he wasn't good at with real estate, I excelled at so it just made sense….but another part of it was I was burned out of my SAHM mom job. I had been there for 5 years and I just needed to get back to work….I just wanted to be around adults again and use my brain again…and just be me again.

    Since we've moved I have not worked because it is not financially worth it.
    As well all know SAHM does not translate into good money in the work force.
    But I tell you, this not working again is tough.
    I am so done with it and I have 7 months to go…..7 effin' months. 

    Nice. Just fucking wonderful. <sigh>

    I love my kids, adore my kids…but the constantness of them is so overwhelming sometimes and this is just one of those days.  Ceci used to say, when i would bitch that they wouldn't give me a break, that they are like pain in the ass customers that won't go away. And that's kind of it.
    I mean, you can't just take care of them or play with them for awhile and then have them give you some space for an hour or something. Nope, not them. It's just constant. I cannot, absolutely cannot, get anything done that requires concentration when my son is around. He is a constant barrage of "Mommy, get this…Mommy, get that….Mommy, can I have this? Mommy…will you fix this…Mommy, can I watch this….." It just seriously never ends. It's just impossible to think with him around.

    And you can lecture me and give me all the "well try this" advice you want, but seriously…..#1 I have tried it all already. #2. I'm burned out. I just don't *love* this job anymore. It's really as simple as that.
     
    I want to leave my "bad" day at the office and come home and be happy to see my kids.
    I want to have more patience with them.
    I want to want to hang out with them….not get a break from them.
    you know?

    And of course, I'll get through this and I"ll look back and think it went by so fast….
    but man, it's tough right now.
    Really friggin' tough.

  • love.loathe (only one day late this time…)

    Love:

    • only 6 days to go and I get my hair done. (secretly I am just WAITING for my phone to ring so that my appointment has to get rescheduled….yeah, I want my hair done so bad that I am convinced it is not going to happen….lol)
    • Super Bowl Sunday is coming.
    • Ben and his fun comments
    • got to talk to Alaska Kim. 
    • facebook….that friggn' place is addicting!! What a timesuck too. It's so fun, though!
    • my handwriting…It's not beautiful, elegant, distinguished or even second-glance worthy, but it's mine. It's me.
    • Fonts. I seriously spend hours and hours playing with fonts and designing posters using my favorite lyrics and quotes.
    • That my family and friends know exactly what I want done when I die.
    • working on my graphics site. I really love it over there!! lol

    Loathe:

    • the war
    • my cousin losing her son to the war.
    • people fighting over where someone should be laid to rest.  I don't know how some people can sleep at night.
    • Fighting over anything when someone passes away.
    • completely missing volunteering at the school. I forget to schedule it in my calendar….ugh. I feel like crap!
    • Image transfers. Make. Me. CRAZY. ugh!
    • not being able to get a die cut machine.
    • having a great idea and missing one element, so I cannot really make it work, yet
    • not having the time or resources to try everything I think of…..just to see if it works.

    Not much for this week….but at least it's done! lol.

    We would up not going to see Carolyn because she was just crazy busy and I am okay with that.
    I worked on the memorial canvas…that's a whole other post. I am going nuts with that thing! I want it to be perfect….

    Another snow day for the kids today, so it'll be crazy busy and obnoxiously loud….wonder if they would find me if I hid up in my room?? LOL

  • thank you…

    People have given condolences and I appreciate them, for my family.
    I feel almost guilty getting them….the hurt I feel is not even one iota of the suffering that my cousin and her family or his wife or his friends, are enduring. But I know that people are saying it for all of the ones that loved him and are heartbroken by this loss.

    I just wish condolences and sorry's could bring him back….or take the hurt away from my cousin and her family.

    this is all such a surreal experience….it's been all over the news, in the paper….and it just doesn't feel real.
    People I know, my family….they don't lose a child….
    It just doesn't feel real….

    My mommy and I are going to go see Carolyn on Tuesday….and all I want in this entire world is be strong enough for her. I just know the minute, the second, I see her, every single part of my being is going to hurt.  And I don't want that…I want to be strong for her. Who the hell am I to cry? How do I even have the right, when really, I barely knew Matthew? But cry I will, no matter how much I convince myself not to, because I hurt so bad for the family….for the ones left behind. For my cousin, Carolyn….I am sympathy crier. I am empathetic to a fault. And I have a really cool bond with Carolyn. The night I was born, she waited and waited up for me to be born…she couldn't wait to see me and I just love that. I love knowing that and it makes me feel close to her…and it is going to kill me to see her.

    Seeing her….seeing the tears in her eyes…..seeing the exhaustion in her face….that, that is when it's going to feel real….

    And no sorry's, no condolences….nothing can change the loss.
    Nothing can bring him back.

  • Beyond pissed….

    Anyone remember this picture and post?

    Deployment party 2
    Deployment party 2

    Family…

    Did anyone wish him luck, in your head?
    When you read this, did you say a prayer to keep him safe in Iraq?

    If you did, it was fucking worthless.
    fucking useless.

    My cousin lost her son to this stupid fucking war.
    He was killed in Iraq.

    I hate this fucking war.

  • yesterday got better…

    I go to pick Jaime up later in the day and that song happened to be playing again….(gee..wonder why? lol)
    Jaime gets in, hears it and says "Hey, I used to ask you to play this song over and over when I was little!!" And I tell her, "Yup, that's right." and I'm feeling happy that she remembers that and then she says, in all her 7 year old sincerity…"Oh, where have all the years gone….?"

    Cracked. me. up.

    I was laughing so hard I was crying….you should've heard her voice and the way she said it.
    So awesome….

    Two cool memories in one day from one Bon Jovi song.
    Love it!!

  • take my breath away…

    A couple of years ago, Zachary made me a picture cd for Christmas.
    He set it to music and it is amazing.
    Hands down, the best gift he has ever given me.
    It is pictures of us throughout our marriage, with the kids, family and friends all in it. 
    I actually cannot believe I haven't posted it on here.
    The 2 songs he used for the cd are Bon Jovi (of course!) and they are
    "You Want to Make a Memory"
    and
    "There's a Whole Lot of Leavin' Going On."

    'You Want to Make a Memory" was pretty popular and they played it a lot on the radio but the other one…"There's a Whole Lot of Leaving Going On"..that one wasn't as popular, but it is one of my absolute favorite Bon Jovi songs. I adore that song…and it means a lot to me, for a lot of reasons.
    So it was incredible that he knew to use that song and it is just perfect for the cd he made.
    He nailed it….:-)
     
    To this day, I cannot watch the cd without crying.
    Nor can anyone else.
    Pretty much everyone who has watched it, is reduced to tears.

    I was showing my cousin Sean and my auntie the cd when they came last week to visit. My mother hadn't seen it yet either. (I can't believe that wasn't the first thing I did when she arrived!!) and of course, everyone is in tears. Including me. As always….
    I'll have to post it on here soon….it really is incredible.

    Anyway, today after I picked up Ben from school, we are driving back home and "There's a Whole Lot of Leaving Going On" comes on….
    Ben says to me, when he hears the song start…from the very first note, he knew the song….
    "Hey, this is the song that Jaime and I cry because we miss Uncle Marky…."
    (This song starts playing on the cd during pictures of Marky getting on the ferry when he left Alaska….)

    My heart literally skipped a beat and I gasped slightly as tears came to my eyes….
    My boy…my son….gets it….he's got the same adoration for and connection to music that I do.
    And moments like this is when it shows….when he proves it.
    And I love it…    .

    I don't have the cd uploaded right now and Zak has it because he was trying to upload it to YouTube.
    So I'll leave you with this instead, for now.

    Bon Jovi – Live STRIPPED Whole lot of leavin

    .
    Enjoy!

  • Love.Loathe…a couple days late….

    Love

    • facebook. there has seriously been a whole ton of people joining lately and it's a blast seeing people you haven't seen in 20 years and talking to people you probably wouldn't normally talk to. I love it!! (SIGN UP, Kim..I'm waiting for you!!)
    • Got to speak to J on the phone this week…I miss her voice.
    • Got to hear J's baby while on the phone with her.
    • getting to spend time with a friend I rarely get to see
    • my kids have new pets. (a few mice…they are living in the fish tank. lol)
    • taking kids to the library
    • Jaime's squeal when she's happy
    • Peter's Oriental in Alaska. I so miss it. (THANKS Rachel. LOL)
    • my husband
    • being back to eating good and seeing it work. (5 pounds lost already..whoo-hooo!

    Loathe

    • rock salt. I really think that is the single worst part of winter. I am so sick of rock salt in my house!
    • that last beer that makes you swear to God you will never drink that much again….God should've built us with an alarm system that sounds before you drink that oooh-yeah-that-was-one-too-many beer.
    • When something has a spot and someone puts something else in it just cause said item is not currently in its spot. So freakin' annoying
    • bills
    • being tired
    • kids fighting
    • not writing lyrics anymore…this has really been bugging me lately.
    • missing Ceci.

    It's a quick one…you'd think it'd be longer cause I'm a couple days late…but noooo…..been a busy couple of days.
    🙂