Anything But Gray

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  • technological karma?

    Sometimes I feel like all the social networking sites are changing things….significantly changing things.
    Like some people weren't intended to be a part of your "now" life, they were meant to remain in your past but because of the internet, here they are….in your "now" world….is that the way it's supposed to be??

    Walk with me….let me explain…..

    I had a very brief fling with a guy 20 years ago. It was a blink and you'll miss it type of relationship but it had a big impact on me. That brief fling really did effect me forever and I have always looked back on it, very fondly and have always wondered what happened to him. Some flings you have are truly unimportant and you can barely remember them. But some….some really play a pivotal role in the culmination of experiences of your life that make you, you.

    This fling was one of them, for me. I learned a big, big life lesson in that brief time. I got a song that became huge in my life…(I can't tell you the song because it would be pretty easy to figure out which guy this is, just from this song…and I'd like to keep that private.) I always felt like I was having the time of my life whenever I was with him….
    I learned something I should never do and I learned something I should always do.

    It has always been, to me, one of those relationships that, when you look back, you just know you were destined to have. If you believe in karma and destiny and such things, which I do.

    Now, the likelihood of ever seeing this guy again was slim to none and that's the way I believed it should be. I believed that I learned what I needed to learn from him, from the relationship, and that was that. It's funny too because as much as I enjoyed him, as much as I liked him, I do not remember being heartbroken or even that upset when it was "over". In fact, I can't even remember how it ended. And that is unlike me…I always remember the end. How else am I going to torture myself?? LOL Point being….I really believed he was someone that was meant to stay in my past.

    Until I found him on facebook. I forget how….he must've been a friend of a friend.
    So I added him and actually held my breath until he added me.
    I have no idea what he remembers of "us" and I think I would've been a little sad if he declined me as a friend…
    but he didn't…..and we've chatted a very little bit here and there. Nothing major and nothing about the past….
    But it's nice that he's there. It's nice to be able to see how he's doing. It's nice to say hi.

    But it does get me thinking…..was I really supposed to cross paths with him again? Wasn't he supposed to just be a part of my history? But there he is…so maybe I was supposed to "see" him again…maybe I need to be reminded of the things I learned from that relationship….or maybe it's all just chance. Simply chance and there is no destiny or karma or meant to be bullshit…which honestly, is where my mind goes. Very uncharacteristically. I am a destiny person, a fate person…I believe in karma and everything happens for a reason.

    But I'm struggling with this one because I just can't believe karma accounted for technology!
    If not for facebook, I would never have seen this guy again….
    So facebook is part of my destiny now?
    Really??

    Yeah, it's a stretch….even for me.

  • Rainy Days…

    There is nothing that makes me blah more than waking up to a rainy, dark day….okay, that's not entirely true. Sometimes I can handle the rain fine, other times, not so much.
    Today is one of the "other times" though and  I just want it to GO.AWAY. NOW. please.
    And it's apparently supposed to be like this for a few days! Grrr…..

    Here I actually follow the weather and pay attention to it. Up in Alaska it was like, you just assumed it was going to be rainy or snowy and shitty out and if you got a sunshiny day, well then you counted your blessings, packed the kids up quick and got outside and enjoyed the hell out of it! LOL  But here I do watch the weather and I so love when it's wrong. I just love when they expect rain and it DOESN'T. So LOVE that!! So although the cute little diagrams say it's going to be rainy for 3 days, I'm hoping some sunshine will pop through here and there. 🙂

    Now, about Zak. The rain kills him. Just kills his attitude, bad. He just wants to mope around and hang with us at home. Most times he works his way through the feeling and winds up having a good day, just a bit down…which I can live with. lol. And today he has to put on his smiley face because HE HAS A CLOSING!!!! Whooo-friggin'-hoooo!!!!!
    So excited!!! He is too and I just know the rain is going to "rain on his parade…" ha!!! and make the closing not as exciting as it would've been….but meh….I'M excited, screw him if he wants to let a little water ruin his day!! LOL
    I kid….I have a feeling he'll be fine today, despite the rain, because of the closing. We'll see!!

  • broken hearted birthdays….

    Today is Danielle's birthday…..
    Yesterday was Cierra's.
    I did not send a card for either one of them.

    Why not, you ask?

    Let me explain….

    When we first moved, my stuff was packed so I got behind on my cards. Then it was just too damn hot to work downstairs in my studio.  Then Kayla and Josh moved in and I just never seemed to make my creative schedule jive with their "home" schedule. Then financially things were tough and stressful and I just wasn't there…my creative vibe was sunk. I just couldn't turn off the stress and relax and create. It was like writer's block. I was just stuck.

    Well over the last month or so, I can feel the wheels turning and I am getting my vibe back and I am ecstatic, elated, thrilled…all of the above. But I had decided that I would go a full year without any cards, that way everyone didn't get one from me, for a year. I already talked about this a few  blog entries ago….but let me elaborate a bit. I would've felt horrible if some people got a card and some people didn't. As if my card creating and sending is some measure of my love for them. Get it? It makes sense to me…..LOL

    Well the middle of June will be a year and I will start sending cards again…I even have a whole new person to make one for (Hi Drew!!!) so I am pretty excited and very eager to get back to being "me".

    But this month is tough….cause I've got the urge and desire and ambition to make cards and get them sent, but I want to stick to my year without thing…but because I really want to make some cards, missing these two birthday's is really, really breaking my heart. I mean, missing them all has broke my heart but these two are especially tough.

    My card making is so me. It is so inherently me. It's like a part of me, to remember everyone's birthday and make and send a card. It is just who I am and what I'm about. Everyone should be remembered on their birthday, everyone should be praised and celebrated and it is so very important to me that I let the people I love know I am celebrating them and just their existence on their birthdays….and it's been a tough year, having that part of me vanish. BUT…thankfully it's over!!! Yay!!!

    Happy, Happy Birthday Danielle!! I hope you eat TONS of cake cause you've got a good excuse to this year!!! And the baby needs some too! LOL I miss you!!

    Happy, Happy Birthday Cierra!! I miss your face sweetie and Jaime misses you tons too!! We all miss you! We hope your day was awesome!!!! Love you!!!!

    And let me just apologize here for all the not gotten cards…I remembered you, I thought of you and I love you. You just don't have tangible proof of it, this year. But I so hope everyone knows how much they were thought of on their days!!!

  • Proof is in the pics!

    A lot of my friends have no idea what Dave and Wanda look like.
    Why?
    Because I do not have a picture of them. Well,  one small, teeny pic from their wedding and that's it.
    No picture of me with them.
    None. Not a one.
    Isn't what weird? 20+ years and no picture….think that should tell me something? ha!!
    Pffft….whatever. They have been trying to ditch my ass for 20 years and I am obviously not going anywhere…LOL

    Anyway, they sent me a few pictures from the premiere last week….

    DSC_0181
    DSC_0181

    From left to right…This is one of the producers of the movie, David, Wanda, their daughter Desi, Desi's friend Brittany (I am so hoping I remembered her name right. lol) me and Zak.

    DSC_0179
    DSC_0179

    Now these pictures prove two things.
    1. Dave and Wanda really exist do exist to all my friends that have heard me talk about them endlessly but have never seen them…
    2. I am a cow. A big, fat moo cow. Which is okay cause I'm fixing it, but damn, I am freakin' huge!! ugh! LOL

    Enjoy!!
    🙂

    Okay, I just went back and went over my post, to make sure everything was cool…the pictures are really small! Try to right click and save them and view them that way. I have no idea why they are so small….maybe viewing them from my gallery will help? I'll have to try that to see….
    Sorry!

    Small picture problem fixed! These should be better now….:-)

  • Now that’s a great way to start the day…

    Most everyone is aware that I am not a "normal" sleeper. Nothing majorly wrong, but I just don't sleep a lot of hours in a row. 6, on rare occasions 7, hours is the most I sleep at once. A lot of times I'll take a nap around 5ish, or whenever Zak gets home from work, so that I don't fall asleep at like 9pm or 10pm. Cause if I do that, then I'll be up at friggin' 3am and not be able to go back to sleep. I don't mind my sleeping "issues". I have always been like this, for as long as I can remember. I just don't require much sleep. I think it's a combination of things….genetics (my mom was always the same way….) and my personality. I'm just so afraid I'm gonna miss something….LOL Seriously….sleep is such an utter waste of time when there is life to be lived!! Who wants to waste time with their eyes closed?? Not me. Anyway….my morning time, I love. The quiet house, the knowing I won't be interrupted and I'm so much more creative in the morning….I just really, really love that time to myself.

    So this morning I'm online and I"m going through one of my emails that I don't use very frequently. And Ceci im's me on gmail…..I am instantly psyched cause..well, cause it's Ceci!! LOL So we chat for a bit and it was a really good conversation!! It was such an "us" conversation….joking, a moment of seriousness, back to joking, taking a quiz on facebook together….it was the exact kind of Ceci and Joanna conversations that I really miss the most. And while I'm on the phone with her, my auntie comes over from my sister's (she came up from the cape to go to a memorial service with my sister) and gets a coffee and I'm sitting outside on the phone with Ceci and kind of talking to Auntie….then my mom comes outside! Whoo-hooo…!! So I go inside to finish the converstaion wtih Ceci and then go back out and chat with my mom and my auntie until my auntie gets up to leave. Then mom and I sit there for a few more minutes and chat and we get up to come back in the house. As we're walking in I realize it's still really early so I have plenty of time before anyone (Zak or the kids) gets up. Nice!

    And that is about the most perfect morning I could ask for…..love it!!!

  • And off she goes!

    Jaime woke up fine and so she went to school and is going on her field trip.
    Now I will just spend the day worrying that she makes it there and back ok. It's not like Alaska where the field trips were two friggin' minutes away, no matter where they went….this place she's going is an hour away and some of the trip is on the highway…ugh!! It just makes me nervous and anxious. I seriously have highway anxiety now. It's crazy. If I'm driving, I'm fine…if anyone else is? Forget it, I'm a wreck. Friday night when we went to the premiere with Dave and Wanda we had to get on the highway for some of it. Not only was it the highway but it was up on an elevated on ramp and section of highway….. And not only were we high up, we were in a huge SUV thing….an Escalade. Those things  way too tall. So I, of course, get visions of tipping over the side of this elevated on ramp. <rolling eyes> I'm not kidding….that is seriously what was going through my head….so I took a valium. And not for fun, I seriously needed it. I honestly felt a panic attack coming…..So there ya go…that is part of the lasting effects of living in Alaska. I am now terrified of the highway and need drugs to cope. I couldn't wait to live "down south" so that we could drive anywhere we wanted…so that we had that freedom and now I'm afraid of it. Nice, huh?? Only me, I swear…

    So anyway…I'm a little anxious about Jaime being on a bus on the highway without me. I know she'll be fine, but it just scares me a little and I will be happy when she is home safe and sound.

    On another note, I saw this on Twitter today…..I can't say who twittered it because you will all laugh at me that I am saying so casually…."oh yeah, <insert famous person here> twittered about this and I thought it was cool so I wanted to put it on my blog"….this whole famous people twittering is really bizarre sometimes….but I do want to share it so here it is….One Word. 

    Neat, huh?
    I love it!!!

    I so get stuck in ruts with my writing. Writing is such a mood thing and I really need it to not be. I need to put myself in the mood more, rather than wait for the mood to strike.

    Maybe this will help? Start my day off with some free writing…..
    we'll see! Regardless, it's a neat idea and I wanted to share…

    Have a great day!

  • Field Trip

    Jaime is supposed to have a field trip today and I am keeping my fingers crossed for her. The poor thing felt kind ofcrappy yesterday after school. She didn't even got to Girl Scouts. I opted for the better safe than sorry approach and kept her home.. We gave her some medicine before bed so we'll see how she is when she gets up. I am really, really hoping she feels better. It's not like Alaska where she gets a field trip all the time. This is only her 2nd or 3rd one. We told her that if she cannot go, her Dad and I will take her. It's Odiorne Point and it's a State forest type place. It sounds kind of cool and it might be something that I do with the kids over the summer, even if Jaime does wind up going today. Jaime brought home a little book that described all the animal/sea life she might see on this trip. It got ME excited to go….LOL

    So keep your fingers crossed that she feels fine when she wakes up!!! 

  • rainy, lazy sunday…

    What a crazy weekend!!

    We had a really good time at the movie premiere and party on Friday. Honestly, the movie was just so, so for me but I am happy we went, of course! It was quite a diverse crowd at the after party too, which was cool.  We left and then we drove all over Worcester, trying to find someplace open to buy alcohol so we could go back to their place and hang out and have a drink. We had hopped into to Dave and Wanda's truck to go to the premiere and so David was driving us around on this hunt, which I found very amusing. It was one of those "wow" moments…..I don't know that 20 years ago I would've believed that David would drive me all around, trying to find an open liquor store!! LOL Anywya, nothing was open!! Apparently all the liquor stores close by 11pm in Mass!! WTF?!?! Now that is something that I am not used to, at all!! Up in Alaska, I don't think there is any kind of requirement like that. You can buy alcohol whenever…..We wound up just going back to their place and David and Wanda sent Desi and her girlfriend (who had come to the movies and party too) down to Wanda's brother's house to try to find something. They wound up finding some beer and some other stuff and we sat around for a couple hours, just bullshitting. Very cool!!! I so love spending time with them….very fun night!!

    Then yesterday was Gabby's birthday party and that was a really, really fun time!!! Billiejo, Juan and Auntie came and it was so good to see them, of course. My sister had a "grown up" after party and quite a few people came and we had such a good time! Shelly came up for the day (Yay!!!!)  and a guy my mom works with showed up with his brother. A friend of my sister's from college came and his girlfriend or wife…I forget….a couple of my sister's friends came. A couple from the neighborhood whose son, Gabby and Jaime and Ben always play with, came. My mom hung out and it was just such a really great time!!! It made me long for hot summer nights when we sit outside and just hang out and party and laugh our butts off! LOL

    I got the project for my cousin done and she loves it!!! Whoo-hooo!! I am so happy about that and I am really pleased with how the project turned out! I can't post much about it right now, as it is a gift and a surprise, but I just had to post about it being done…..I'm HAPPY!!! It felt so nice to be creating again, so nice to be in my studio working….I so loved it!!

    My Auntie wound up staying overnight and Billiejo went home with Juan and Angelina and Anthony (my cousin Carolyn's two youngest….so glad they came!!!) and so she is here and I know I want to visit with her some today. But otherwise, today is a lazy day…I actually don't have anything I "have" to get done today. But what I'm thinking I might do is make some birthday cards so I can be ahead of the game when I get back to it, in June! LOL I was doing that for awhile, making about 2 months worth of cards at a time…..and that is a really nice. I so hate the rushed.."oh-my-God-I-have-to-get-this-done-and-mailed-TODAY!" feeling so I really, really want to stay ahead….or I have some Girl Scout stuff I could get done…..

    Or I could just enjoy a day of nothingness….LOL
    We'll see!   

  • noise pollution….

    7:30am…..
    nice day outside.
    I have my windows open already cause it's going to be warm today and I want to try to keep the house cool.
    I hear a lawn mower start up.
    I think what an idiot! I mean it's Saturday morning, people look forward to this, to sleep in!!
    Maybe it'll be quck, I think. Still completely retarded, but if it's quick….not so bad. Right?
    But it's still going. (almost 8am) and going.
    Not too terribly annoying for me cause I"m up anyway, it's not like it woke me up.
    But what the fuck???
    7:30am
    Seriously?



    Why??

  • Busy Bee!

    The next few weeks are going to be pretty crazy around here. 
    There is just a slew of activity going on!!

    Zak and I are going out on Friday night with Dave and Wanda…..Guess where we are going? A freakin' movie premiere!!! LOL How awesome is that?? I am so super excited and cannot WAIT!!! The movie is Still Green and it actually looks pretty interesting. It's not a huge movie or anything and I don't expect to meet movie stars but I still think it is exciting. How many times in your life can you say you've gone to a movie premiere? And we are going to the after party! The proceeds from this party go to benefit a youth program in Worcester and that actually makes me feel good. I love stuff like that.

     It should be pretty fun and most of all, I am really excited to spend some time with Dave and Wanda. We haven't seen them since my birthday. Although I have a feeling that at the party we won't be seeing much of Dave. He's on the radio every Sunday night now and the host of the show is going to this premiere and party also and so I have a feeling Dave is going to spend a lot of time chit chatting and networking at this party, which is awesome for him, of course! Zak and I will just torment Wanda or something…..LOL 🙂 It's gonna be a blast!!! 🙂

    Then Gabby's birthday party is Saturday.
    Billiejo & family will be coming up and I am so excited to see everyone. 🙂

    I have to finish a project for Billiejo by Saturday. I have today, tomorrow day and Saturday morning to get this done, which I have no doubt I can and will….it's just going to make these next few days CRAZY busy. LOL

    Jaime has a school project due on the 26th. A birthday party to attend on May 23rd.
     
    I need to call the school district and find out about the school situation for the kids.

    Tons of Girl Scout stuff to get done….

    My business I am really trying to focus on and get going.

    I am going to design some biz cards for Shelly and help her open an etsy shop for her Blackberry themes that she designs….

    I need to get back on track with birthday cards and such…..My goal is by June, start making my cards again by June. It's been since last June that I haven't sent anyone birthday cards so I figured okay, I'll go a full year without cards. That way everyone got screwed equally. LOL But come June…..back to it!! I hate that I didn't do it….it broke my heart, it made me truly sad. I have to do it because I love doing and it's so me….I sincerely feel like a part of me is missing when I don't do my cards and gifts. Isn't that odd?? It has so become a part of  me that it truly effects me to not do it! LOL Imagine that!!!

    Things are looking up for us…work is wonderful with Zak. He has two deals going, a third offer in (we'll know today….) and quite a few solid customers he's helping that just haven't found something yet.
    YAY!!!!!!!

    So, as you can see, life is crazy right now and I LOVE IT!!!!
    🙂