Anything But Gray

People have given condolences and I appreciate them, for my family.
I feel almost guilty getting them….the hurt I feel is not even one iota of the suffering that my cousin and her family or his wife or his friends, are enduring. But I know that people are saying it for all of the ones that loved him and are heartbroken by this loss.

I just wish condolences and sorry's could bring him back….or take the hurt away from my cousin and her family.

this is all such a surreal experience….it's been all over the news, in the paper….and it just doesn't feel real.
People I know, my family….they don't lose a child….
It just doesn't feel real….

My mommy and I are going to go see Carolyn on Tuesday….and all I want in this entire world is be strong enough for her. I just know the minute, the second, I see her, every single part of my being is going to hurt.  And I don't want that…I want to be strong for her. Who the hell am I to cry? How do I even have the right, when really, I barely knew Matthew? But cry I will, no matter how much I convince myself not to, because I hurt so bad for the family….for the ones left behind. For my cousin, Carolyn….I am sympathy crier. I am empathetic to a fault. And I have a really cool bond with Carolyn. The night I was born, she waited and waited up for me to be born…she couldn't wait to see me and I just love that. I love knowing that and it makes me feel close to her…and it is going to kill me to see her.

Seeing her….seeing the tears in her eyes…..seeing the exhaustion in her face….that, that is when it's going to feel real….

And no sorry's, no condolences….nothing can change the loss.
Nothing can bring him back.