Anything But Gray

I knew, before Zak and I had kids, it would be hard.
I was no fool and I knew raising kids is tough stuff.
But every once in awhile I realize…
I had no fucking clue.
Oh sure, I thought I knew…but really, I had no idea.

My son is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
He drains me, mentally, in a way no one ever has before.
He is a funsucker. A lifesucker.
He can wreck the best of moods and ruin the happiest of times before you even know what hit you.
He can send me to bed wondering what I could've possibly done to anyone to deserve this kind of karmic punishment.
He is so stubborn.
He is so strong.
He is so loud.
And he is so sweet, so funny, so kind, so incredibly cute and so strong and so stubborn.
It's really hard, knowing these traits he has that make dealing with him so difficult now, will serve him so well later in life.

He is getting better. The fits are less frequent, he communicates and understands a lot better..but it's still tough.
When he decides he is going to have a battle of wills with one of us….it's a fight to the death and no one wins.
We all wind up miserable.
We succeed in not succumbing to his ridiculous tantrums, but the price is high sometimes.
Sometimes the mama in me really disagrees with a way Zak is choosing to discipline him and then we wind up arguing.  I hate that with every ounce of my being.

And then our fight goes on well after Ben is done.
I butt in when I shouldn't sometimes (well..after last night's fight, I discovered that apparently it's all the time)….or I don't and we still disagree.  And I have to say it's a good percentage of the time that Zak is right….but our fight drags on and on and because I fight to make him understand my view. Not agree with me, but at least understand me.
And in his head…for him to say he understands where I'm coming from but disagrees with it, is conceding.
And he won't do it.
So the fight just goes on and on and on.
And then I start getting mad at my son.
"Thanks a lot" I think…" now I have to deal with this shit."
It just sucks sometimes.

Of course, we work it out and I'm always thankful that I have him and that he is a very involved father and we plow ahead. Hoping that maybe we actually taught Ben something and something from this battle will make the right neurons click in his head.

But man, it's just hard some days.
Just so friggin' hard.