Anything But Gray

I am thisfuckingclose to pulling out my hair!!
Or at the very least taking a fucking valium and downing a very strong vodka and soda water. (blackberry…FYI…yummy!)

I cannot get a hold of someone that I really want to get a hold of.
And now I'm actually starting to wonder…..if maybe perhaps they don't want me to get a hold of them.

Now normally the thought of this person not wanting to speak to me would be ridiculous and it would be so absurd that it wouldn't even cross my mind to think that.

However….there was an incident (it's hard to describe and this is the best word I can come up with) between me and this person. The incident was bygone. It was joked about and talked about but unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But because this "incident" is in our past….and I have never not been able to get a hold of this person for this long….I can't help but wonder….and now I'm seriously worried.  But I just can't imagine that this incident would effect our relationship, so long after the fact…but now I honestly can't help but wonder. And that's what's driving me nuts..the not knowing and then second guessing myself. Ugh!!!

I've always had a pain in the ass type relationship with this person. You know, like the little dog bouncing around beside the big dog.."Where we goin' Spike? Watcha ya wanna do, Spike?"…you get the idea….I'm the little dog. The pesky little pain in the ass that just REFUSES to go away. And I don't care. I have never cared. I adore this person and the dynamics of our relationship has always worked just fine for me.  It has never phased me in the least to be this total irritating pain in the butt that won't go away. I know this person loves me….I know they care about me and I've always been confident in that. No worries….not ever.

But now….realizing just how important this relationship is to me and realizing that holy fuck, maybe I'm losing them. Maybe the incident was a bigger deal than I thought. Or maybe I've just finally overstayed my welcome.

Or maybe I just think too fucking hard and as usual this person is just too busy and hard to get a hold of.

I just don't know how many times I keep trying to call before I take the hint…before I should just stop calling.

ugh..that makes my heart hurt, just imagining not talking to this person again.

I wish I could read minds…..that would make this so much easier…..

I think I need that drink….