Anything But Gray

As pretty much everyone knows, we are planning on moving out of Alaska in June.
 
As much as Alaska has given us, as much as we absolutely adore our family, friends, coworkers, clients, acquaintances and familiar faces, we just aren't happy here. The weather is horrible, that is probably the biggest factor in wanting to move. It is too hard to get in and out of Juneau. It's too far removed from "the real world". And the small town feel..although with Zak being in real estate, we have benefited greatly from him knowing everyone, it is hard to feel like you have no escape.  There is a saying…"Living in a small town makes you feel famous." It is meant sarcastically but honestly, there is some truth to that. You can't go anywhere without seeing someone you know. And even worse, for me, is the fact that everyone knows Zak because he grew up here and being in real estate…he just knows everyone. I, however, do not know nearly the amount of people he does. So there are a whole hell of a lot of people that know who I am, because I am Zak's wife, but I have no freakin' clue who they are and THAT drives me crazy. A lot of times I can push it out of my head and not care, but in the back of my mind….I just always feel watched. And it's weird, because there is a definite comfort in the small town vibe, but having no way to get away from it..having no way to "escape" it makes me feel trapped and stuck and I hate it
 And before you think to yourself, that I am exaggerating, I will give you an example….this is just one of many.

Zak and I were out on our date night (Thursdays) and we went into the sex shop. We were just looking around, joking and laughing and just checking things out. We didn't buy anything and we left the shop. The next Monday, Zak gets a call from one of his clients who lives in Anchorage, which is an hour and a half PLANE RIDE away. She says "So I hear you were in the sex shop last Thursday." and starts to give him a hard time about it. Zak tells me about this conversation later and I am like.."Okay, that is IT. We are SO freakin' out of here. Now people in other friggin' CITIES are hearing about what we are doing??? What the HELL?!?!." It was kind of funny, but it really did irk me.
That's just unreal.
So you see…I am not exaggerating the everyone knows who you are point, at all.

So there's a bunch of reasons on why we want to leave. And the fact that I always, always, always have intended on going back home. When I got on that plane, on January 29th, 1991, I did not intend to be gone forever.  I love home. I love the weather, I love the people, I love how close it is to everything….I love it. Not to mention my family and friends that are back there.  And so we are finally going home. And I can't wait….

Today, we booked our uhaul and I almost had an anxiety attack.
That made it feel so real. It was the first definite thing we have done, to move. The first step….
And it still feels like a dream to me. Leaving here, living back there….it's very surreal and it's not quite sinking in yet.
Today, it hit. And it freaked me out….I felt so many things at once….elated, scared, sad, worried and relieved….all in one second. I calmed down and was just left with the feeling of disbelief all day and the thought, we are really going home.

I still won't truly believe it until we're on the way…..ha!