Anything But Gray

Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday.
I love Christmas. It seriously makes my heart happy.
I get jump up and down excited….
I could never, ever put into words the utter joy Christmas brings my heart and soul.
People, in general, tend to be happier and just more giving of their hearts.
Nicer. Friendlier. Kinder.
Even friends and family bond together and seem to become closer around the holidays and I freakin' love it.
Absolutely love it.

Friday, for example….me, Danielle and Kim got together to just enjoy each other's company and it's right around the holidays so it was perfectly acceptable to not work and start drinking at 1pm and spend the day together. Any other time of the year, we'd get "the look".
And it was so nice to have a girl day and hang out.
I so want to do that more.
Kim and I drank an entire bottle of champagne between us. (I LOVE champagne…) And then there were more drinks, wonderful food and just awesome conversation.
I love my friends.
They make my heart happy.
And if it weren't for the holidays…we wouldn't have done that.
Christmas just brings people together in a way that no other time of the year seems to.

But for awhile, Christmas was hard for me.
Zak and I have had our ups and downs in our relationship, obviously.
We have been through some major dramas and have always come out stronger.
But sometimes it takes awhile to get past the hurt of the drama and realize the strength.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but about hmmm….gosh, I actually have to think about this…okay, 10 years ago, Zak and I had major problems. Huge. Didn't think we'd survive it kind of big.
And on Dec. 22nd….3 days before Christmas….he woke up and told me we were over.
Done.

That night I sat in front of the Christmas tree with Ceci and we talked. No lights were on, just the glow of the Christmas tree lights. At one point, I looked at her and as the tears ran uncontrollably down my face, I asked her "What am I going to do now? I gave up my life, my home, to be with him….what am I going to do now?" And I put my face in my hands and cried. Cried that I was losing my marriage, cried because I had given up so much to be with him and I cried because…how could he do that to me 3 days before Christmas? Knowing how much I adore Christmas, knowing the joy the Christmas season brings me, how on earth could he leave me 3 days before Christmas??

Obviously…we survived that drama.

Every night before I go to bed, I look at the Christmas tree…and for many, many years, after that drama, the glow of the Christmas tree lights would remind me of that night with Ceci and I would have to fight back the tears….and push away the insecurities….and remind myself that we made it, we got passed it and we are okay…and then one year, as I looked at the Christmas tree…I found myself thanking God we made it. Thanking God we survived. And that's when I realized, I was okay…we made it through that drama and we were okay, but finally, after so many years….I realized I was okay too….and now…the glow of the Christmas tree lights….makes me say a prayer of thanks…a little whisper to God….I know what I have and I am so thankful and grateful for it.
Not just my marriage, but my kids, my family and my wonderful, wonderful friends….

I am blessed with the people that love me.
I am lucky.

And Christmas is always a time that reminds of that and I know it makes me happier because in my heart I am feeling so very fortunate and loved and it makes me want to show all the people that love me, how very, very much I love them…

It's pure joy.
and I love it..