Anything But Gray

I don't even know where to begin.
This has been a crazy week that has run the full spectrum of emotions.
From sad to mad to glad and then back again.

Zak and I had a huge fight. Huge.
The kind that leaves me wondering why I stay in this hellhole and really, in the end, if I manage to get out of here alive, will it be worth it? It will be, of course….but still, it was the kind of fight that drains the life out of you and makes you want to just run away. It was my fault. He was helping me with my class and I was being a bitch about it. He would tell me something and I'd look at him like he was wrong or crazy or stupid. I honestly did not mean to be bitchy to him, which is even worse because if that's me not trying to be bitchy, than Lord Almighty would he HATE to see what me trying to be bitchy looks like. (so says him…) Anyway, it wound up a knock down drag out stupid fight….he felt I should be bowing down at his feet thanking him for helping me or at the very least not being bitchy to him while he was helping me and he wanted me to say the words "I am sorry for being a bitch, thank you so much for helping me with this." He gets like that where he has to hear the apology or he won't quit. My position was I didn't realize I was being bitchy and I didn't mean to be and that me having my license is for both of us, so yeah..maybe I wasn't being as thankful as I could've been and once you try to force me to say sorry…forget it. It's not going to happen. Which I'm not saying is right, but it's me.
And the whole thing just really bothered me. Even though I was in the wrong. I was stressed..majorly stressed out trying to get this stupid class done and then I waste a day fighting with him instead of doing the class. Why call me on my bullshit right then and why fight to the death for the words "I'm sorry"?  Was it that important? Just that kind of feeling. I couldn't imagine doing that to him. If he was studying for a test and I was helping him and he was being a dick toward me, I couldn't fathom calling him on it and fighting with him. I certainly would say something later, but in the thick of it? No way….no way would I do it. And it just bothered me that he would do it to me. That he wouldn't cut me some slack, have some extra patience and just flip me shit. Like say something in a joking way…so that it lets me know I'm getting bitchy but doesn't start a fight. We're both pretty good at doing that. But for some reason he didn't want to do that.
Later he comes to me, essentially saying he doesn't want to fight, it's not that important, let's just end this. He says "I don't want to die on this hill." It's not a life or death issue.
I think to myself, no you don't want to die on this hill, but you'll kill me on it.
It was just that kind of feeling that totally drained me…

My sister and brother are both going through some stuff that made me sad. Sad that I'm not in a position to help either one of them. I always hate that helpless feeling. Things wound up looking up for both of them by the end of the week, so that is good news.

A lot of good things are happening at work, which is nice. I like going into the winter busy. It's a very good thing.

My friend Kim's birthday was Saturday and Danielle made lunch and we all ate at her house. Jaime had a birthday party to go to. Lindsay was invited also so I asked Janice if Jaime could tag along with them and she so kindly said yes. Which was awesome because Jaime's birthday party was right when we had our lunch planned, so it would've really messed up my plans if I had to take her to it, so Janice taking her was a HUGE help. The downer of it all was I was sick. Really sick. Every inch of me hurt. It hurt to sit, it hurt to walk….I just hurt. That is not fun. But I didn't want to not see Kim on her birthday and I figured once I got up and about I'd feel better. I so didn't feel better, but I was very happy I got to see Kim on her birthday and happy to spend time with her and Danielle, so it was a worth it kind of hurt. 🙂

One of my oldest, most dearest friends is having a problem that has been on my mind. This is one of my friends that I keep in touch with very barely, we mostly just give each other a hard time via email, but I know if I needed anything he would be there for me in a second and the feeling is mutual. I would do anything for him.  I spoke to him a few times this week, just listening, offering some advice and hopefully just cheering him up a little bit.

It's a long saga that I won't bore my non football fan readers with, but the Patriots won tonight. It was important, VERY important to win this game tonight, for a couple of different reasons. (save the cheater jokes…no matter what you come up with, you're not original. I can assure you, I've heard it already.)
So that's awesome. SUPER AWESOME. Nice way to end the weekend.

Things should be a lot less hectic this week, so hopefully I'll be a better blogger. 🙂
That way when I do write it won't be a novel, too.

Tah, for now!