I'll be honest here. I censor this blog, to an extent. I have struggled over wanting to "be real" but not offend anyone. Same as my day to day conversations. There's things I only tell certain people…we all censor ourselves to an extent. and I've done pretty good at keeping this "neutral".
Fair warning…the censor button is off tonight. (It's 1am…that still counts as tonight. ) So off it's not even funny.
Read at your own risk.
I've survived a lot in my life.
Most times I couldn't be bothered reliving it.
It's done…shit happens…whatever…show me someone that hasn't been through a lot in their life.
We've all got our sob stories and I just prefer to not dwell in mine. I talk about them, but I don't usually let them drag me down or make me feel like shit. Most of my past is very matter of fact for me.
And quite frankly, I happen to like the person I am and that whole everything that has happened to you, makes you who you are philosophy. I truly believe that so I try not to dwell on crap. I'd say a good 90% of the time, I do okay.
But every once in awhile, something will trigger a memory or a period of time that was difficult for me or something that is still somewhat unresolved for me.
And that's when history haunts me…and I honestly can't escape it. It's overwhelming and it hits like a ton of bricks.
I have to go with it. I have to feel it and I usually grab my ipod, throw on my headphones and try to write it out…
It's not happening tonight….
at all.
I'm just stuck on this song and listening to it over and over and over…
AND I NEED FOR YOU TO KNOW
I DIDN'T SAY ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANTED TO SAY/
AND YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK WHAT YOU'VE TAKEN AWAY
cause I feel you/I feel you near me."
God….it's so done. 11 YEARS DONE. It's so in the past. It so doesn't friggin' MATTER anymore.
But as is so typical of my fucking life…when it happened we acted like it didn't. It was ignored.
As if it never happened. As if it wasn't supposed to matter.
And all these years….I'm left to feel crazy. Maybe it's not supposed to bother me? Maybe I'm wrong for feeling all I feel and push aside? Maybe it shouldn't effect me? Maybe I am being over dramatic? I don't fucking know….
What I do know….
It fucking happened.
and it DOES fucking matter.
To me. Obviously not to you.
whatever.
fuck you.
Fuck you that I need you and our relationship is so important to me.
fuck you that it doesn't matter to you and you don't seem to care that it did matter to me.
Fuck you and your indifference.
Okay…I can actually say I feel a little better.
Sometimes you just need to vent..
Sorry if I have offended anyone.
Oh and let me put a disclaimer.
I highly doubt who this is "about" even reads this.
So anyone who might have wondered…it's not about you.
Anything But Gray 
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