Anything But Gray

I will miss someone for the rest of my life.
No matter where I go, there will be someone I'm missing.
When I get back home and get back to what I have spent the last 16 years missing, I will miss Ceci, JR, DJ, Kayla. Terribly. The thought of no Ceci is so difficult for me that most times I just push it out of my mind. I never, ever wanted her to be the Aunt that visits once a year, to my kids. There is so much about her that I admire, adore and love. I wanted my kids to grow up with her influence. That woman is so amazing….so utterly amazing in her genuineness and her kindness. She has a beautiful, breathtaking soul and I wanted that influence on my kids. I wanted her presence as a constant in their life. It is truly devastating for me to realize it won't be there. And I struggle with that. I honestly believe her influence would've had an effect on my kids and I struggle if I'm doing the right thing, by taking them away from that influence that I believe is so very good for them and their souls. Can one person have that much of an impact? I believe one person can…but I also know I can't live my life here. Nor can Zak. Neither one of us could do this for a lifetime. So I struggle with this thought…
Then the fact that she is my best friend and I will miss her horribly, for me. She is so important to me and matters so much to me…When she walks in the door, she truly makes my day better. I look forward to even 5 minutes with her.
I always feel lucky that I get to be her best friend, because she has so many people that absolutely adore her and she picks me…little old me to be one of her best friends. Lucky girl, I am, indeed. So there's that…
Then the fact that she is Zak's twin sister and they are really close and he will have to live the rest of his life without her.
The thought of our life without Ceci breaks my heart. And it's something I push out of my head and just think I'll deal with that when the time comes….

I'll really miss Kim and Danielle. They have been wonderful friends and I love them both tons. I will truly miss them.
My mom in Florida…I'll still miss her even living back east…
My brother will be in Alabama then…..I'll miss him and his family.
Tina and Kim and their families will still be on the West Coast….

I am elated we are going home, but even that isn't going to fix everything and I guess that just is really hitting home today. I'm missing someone really bad today and I needed to do some big thinking.

I know I'll always be missing someone….and it's okay.
It's just never how I imagined my life would be.
It's not a bad thing, more like a "wow" thing.
Life can sure wind up a whole hell of a lot different than you imagine it will be when you are a kid.
A whole hell of a lot different.